Poll: Adoption question

[gtivan]

Thinking of contacting the people who conceived me.

Some back ground. Born 1969. I was born in a portland hospital. The people who conceived me were college students so I am told. Had a spectacular childhood with a loving family. Never needed closure or had any other reason to contact conception people. Never bought into the needing medical information. I figure i will find out when anything arises.

As i get older, some things just linger. I also believe in treating others how you would want to be treated. Even strangers.

So I was thinking of trying to find them. If found, go through a lawyer to give them basics that basically I am alive. Like a 1 pager without names or too many details.
I have no need or desire to have a relationship
Of course i wouldnt mind some basic information but that is it.

Since they are now in their 70's. I may not have too much time to tell them all turned out well.

Worth it? Pros and Cons?
Mainly, if you were a 70 year old who gave up a kid for adoption. Would you want to know they are happy? Even if they are basically saying up yours and i do not want a relationship?

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[Certaindeaf]

Go for it. Can't really see how it could hurt.

 

[pharmseller]

Do it.

If they want to respond they'll let the lawyer know. If not, no harm.

You are probably a 53 year old secret, so be prepared for that.

 

[Grumpy 1]

If you do not make some form of contact, all involved may regret it to their graves. Absolutely do it...

 

[gtivan]

I am inclined to go for it. Just my wife and daughter in law are hesitant in their response.

1. Possibility of a old secret getting out and causing harm
2. Cruel to open a door and give them something without being willing to have a full blown meet and greet.

I wouldnt necesarily be against a meet and greet. I just dont see how i would actually want one, and i would have to be absolutely sure they only wanted 1 and done.

 

[pdx1]

Don't do it, unless you're willing to walk through the door it opens!!

 

[Andy54Hawken]

A couple of things to consider :

What do you hope / want to get of this if you go through with it....
Is that worth whatever consequences that may ( will ) occur ?

You have no real idea of the why...and some wounds are slow to heal.

Sometimes its best to just let sleeping dogs lie...as the old saying goes.
Andy

 

[ma96782]

And your/the "Parents" who raised you said????

Bottom Line : Up To You (I guess)

Aloha, Mark

 

[gtivan]

And your/the "Parents" who raised you said????

Bottom Line : Up To You (I guess)

Aloha, Mark

Dad passed over 15 years ago. My mom has always said go for whatever you want since I was a kid. My house consisted of 3 adopted kids and 1 natural(the oldest). We always knew we were adopted growing up.

The sister who wasnt adopted tried making us feel bad at times saying we werent wanted cause we were given up for adoption, etc. She shut up when we pointed out she coulda been a mistake but we know we were wanted since mom and dad paid for us.

The adopted sister always said she was going to look up her parents, but never did.
My brother never had a interest and still doesnt.

I know of many people who did look up conception parents. usually 50/50 if it turned out well.

I did get a new birth certificate 10 years ago. woulda only cost like $20 to get one with conception parents name on it. Thought about it for maybe 5 minutes before choosing not to.

My

 

[gtivan]

A couple of things to consider :

What do you hope / want to get of this if you go through with it....
Is that worth whatever consequences that may ( will ) occur ?

You have no real idea of the why...and some wounds are slow to heal.

Sometimes its best to just let sleeping dogs lie...as the old saying goes.
Andy

Sole purpose of contact. Give them closure, if they need it. Or something to comfort them about their regrets if they had any.

I have lived a good life. I can live with anything i have ever done. But there are some things (not about conception parents) that i would like to know how they turned out in the long run.

So just offering them that courtesy if they wanted.

 

[Andy54Hawken]

Sole purpose of contact. Give them closure, if they need it. Or something to comfort them about their regrets if they had any.

I have lived a good life. I can live with anything i have ever done. But there are some things (not about conception parents) that i would like to know how they turned out in the long run.

So just offering them that courtesy if they wanted.

Maybe they have closure.
Seems to me there may some assumption here on your part with closure and regrets.
Also seems like a whole lotta work just for you to know how some things turned out.

Not trying to be snarky with the above....
Andy

 

[pdx1]

53 years is alot of time if they were worried of how you turned out, as @Andy54Hawken said, best to let sleeping dogs lie..... for some perspective... I didn't meet my dad until I was 15..... still not clear on how I feel.... at 40.... some grace.... yes.... but a pass... no..... But I did wish him a happy father's day. Lol, because.......I am human, and realize we're not perfect... no matter how many times I look in the mirror

 

[Ay Dios Mio]

Everybody has an opinion about adoptees searching for their birth parents. It's your desire and need that should take precedence. Even bad reunions are valuable. Looking at folks who birthed you is something natural children don't wonder about.
You don't need a lawyer or go-between. Join a local adoptee support group for invaluable help with searching, ideas about how to contact parents, pitfalls etc.
It's easier now with the internet. You have a right to know your background...and it's no longer a big scarlet letter for college students or others to be found.
Keep in mind there are emotional components too. Boys are so valued in most cultures, it's often inexplicable for young men to understand being given away.
You're not an adopted child...you're an adult seeking information. One meeting and done is perfectly acceptable.
Don't listen to anybody that's not adopted.

 

[TTSX]

Let me tell you my experience. I met my bio parents 6 years ago and it gave me the closure I needed. I got to see them, talk to them, look at the family ablum and cousins kind of deal.

The problem is, it did not give THEM closure and arguably reopened their wounds. My mother can't seem to get past her "empty womb" and has a hard time respecting my boundaries now that she saw her baby again. And my poor father is dragged along with her. I would like him in my life as he's much more grounded but there's no way to do that realistically without including her and it certainly wouldn't be fair to either to be excluded.

I think for you, it would be a worthwhile thing to pursue, though you have to realize there are two other individuals with their own lives and experiences on the other end which may have a poor response. Perhaps they do not wish to see you at all. Or perhaps you can have a great relationship and be friends.

 

[pdx1]

.

 

[pdx1]

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[RicInOR]

There are many stories on the innerwebs where this has gone well to great
and many where it has gone bad.

Best of Luck.

 

[gtivan]

Thanks for all the responses.
Thinking I am going to let the past die.

Enough risk of bad vibes entering my life if i start digging. Not worth it to just try and be nice.

 

[Ferryman]

Just me, and I know I'm outlier, but there's enough soap opera drama in life, why go looking for more?

I have no need or desire to have a relationship

Then really, there's no point to it, is there?

Not trying to be argumentative, but really, unless there's an actual reason, like you need a kidney or something, why tear the scab off of old wounds?