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Conspiracy theories abound but the one your are most likely to believe is the furthest from the truth. I shouldn't be saying anything here, as very few of you have the mind capable of wrapping itself around what I'm about tell you: She shot and killed something in the store that day. Police have cordoned off the building and my sources obtained unscrambled radio records indicating "the package" and the girl were taken into military custody for questioning. Without further information, I cannot say if she's one of us... or a bounty hunter from another solar system. They're out there and we have to keep up the good fight. This is bigger than Liberal, Brady or Democrat. It's bigger than Earth. Wake up you fools.
This is obviously true, and we need to plan accordingly. The Starbucks aliens have been using some kind of mind control for years to convince us that there 35 cent coffee was worth 12 times more than our coffee at home! Those brilliant bastards!