Okay guys, in my short 26 years of hunting in NE Oregon (where I'm originally from), I've seen a few things, including some very unfriendly idiots flying past me on fourwheelers down closed USFS roads during deer and elk season. So below are some FAQs I've come up with, to help some of the more legally-challenged hunters among us. (Although I would be fine with USFS and ODFW coming up with a plan to change the USFS closed road rules to permit hunters to recover a downed and tagged animal with a four wheeler.) Please note this does not constitute legal or any other kind of advice. FAQs Q: I don’t feel like walking. Should I ride my four wheeler past the USFS road closed sign that says no motorized vehicles? A: No. Besides, if you do, the only buck you’ll see will be a 2 point, and a four wheeler is an elk’s best friend. Q: But the USFS sign has large pictures of a four wheeler and snowmobile immediately under where it says, “No Motorized Vehicles Except…” A: I know it’s confusing, but since we’ve progressed past communicating only with caveman drawings, in really small print under those pictures is the timeframe stating when you can ride, outside of deer and elk seasons. Another big hint should be a gate across the road. Q: Can’t I just drive around the gate? Looks like I can make it. A: Physically, yes, but legally, no. In addition, the local hunters hiking on the road will hear you coming from half a mile away and won’t be happy. They may even use special hand signals to tell you you’re number one. Q: But there’s no gate, and I only see pieces of what might have been a road closed sign on the ground. Since the USFS hasn’t put up a new sign in what looks like 5 or 10 years (budget and manpower issues, I assume), I can drive down the road, right? I just know there’s a huge buck down there. A: Please don’t. Q: But for sake of arument, suppose I do. Where should I put my beer? A: No seriously, just don’t. Besides, your beer will get too fizzy and explode when you open it. Never waste beer, even if it’s Keystone Light or PBR. Q: Speaking of Keystone light, while road hunting with my truck in the late afternoon, what’s the safest way to throw out my empties: out the driver-side or the passenger-side window? A: Please don’t drink and drive. Or litter, unless you can’t read a map or road signs and are trying to mark your way back to camp. Q: But I have to drive my buddies around to road hunt. I can’t put the empties in my truck bed because they’re back there with their loaded rifles. They need room to maneuver quietly if they see a big one while I’m driving. That’s okay, right? A: No. Q: Okay, so now I’m trying to walk down a closed USFS road or well-worn hunting trail, but really have to do some serious paperwork. Should I do it right in the middle of the road? A: No, step off the road or trail and drop it behind a tree, then bury. Q: But I want to claim this hunting territory and don’t want others following me. How will the other hunters know not to come down this road or trail if I don’t leave them a present right in the middle of it? A: Can’t argue with that logic. Of course, you’re candy wrappers and empty beanie weenie cans will also be a dead giveaway you’ve been down the road. Q: Say it’s still really dark out and there’s already a truck full of hunters parked at a closed USFS road. Is it okay if me and my buddies get out first, turn on all our halogen headlamps, unload our fourwheelers and drive around the gate before the other hunters get out and start hiking? Survival of the fittest, I always say. A: Are you serious? Q: Okay, so you’re saying that after we unload the fourwheelers but before we drive around the gate, we should go over to their truck and say howdy? A: No, those hunters officially hate you. Q: But they don’t know me. I’m a great guy even when I’m hungover and haven't brushed my teeth in 3 days. Plus I'm wearing $900 worth of brand new fashionable Sitka-brand camo. A: Congrats on the camo, that's good stuff. Q: So you’re not saying me and my hunting buddies should wear all orange, just to let the locals know we’re not from around there? A: Well, your out of state plates will probably give you away, but wear what you want. Just be friendly and try to follow the laws to the best of your ability.