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OK...It's kinda long, but this is the harrowing tale of my trip to New Mexico a few years back. It's written as it happened. The trip just kind of ran in jumps & spurts. Every word is true!
Well here we are in beautiful New Mexico....the Land of Enchantment.....hunting javelina, pigs and jackrabbits.........they got SCHLITZ beer at the Silver City Food Basket!.....Man oh man! This is gonna be a good trip!......First day out.....excited to be here again.......temperature dropped like a big rock....starting to snow...feet soaked in my Gore Tex boots....getting real cold....wind blowing.....it's the end of January.....slid off the road.........road was straight & flat at that point...damn caliche mud....stuck in a ditch....... hmmm......not a lot of tread on these tires......that might be a problem.......snowing...colder than a lot of things........wet feet....cold....middle of FREAKING NOWHERE.......damn but there's a lot of empty land in New Mexico.......gonna be a long cold night in the truck or a LONG COLD walk to a ranch house (5 miles? 10 miles? 15 miles?)......white truck in a snow storm....gonna be real hard to spot from the air.......oh yeah, nobody's gonna look for us ‘cause nobody knows where the hell we are..........cell phone coverage?....yeah right........got out of the ditch.....back into the ditch....back out......creeping along in low granny 4WD......*** end of truck seems to like the ditch......freaking snow covering the road.....dark...nuthin but blowing snow in the headlights.....goddamn cattle standing in the middle of the road....can't stop or we might not get started......shooting cattle is considered impolite in New Mexico.....made it to the highway....(now if my hunting buddy hadn't taken a shot & chased ghosts all around the pucker brush it'd still be daylight, but nooo.....)... no one on the highway......closed due to "adverse conditions"......make it to the house about 11 pm.........next day snow melting by afternoon.......my buddy gets his javelina......doesn't have a knife sharp enough to gut the little bastard.....has to wait for me to make a good 20 minute hike to give him a good knife....(he used to be in Boy Scouts?).....night falls......coyotes howl......tie the sucker to a long branch and pack it out in the dark under a full moon like a pair of tribesman from Zimbabwe.... Cool .......OK....who didn't put beer in the cooler.....I'm a dumb sonnabubblegum......I shoot my javelina the next day....driving down a canyon...jump outta the truck......perfect 100 yd shot right below the right ear......who says ya can't hunt with a 1951 Russian SKS........OK....who forgot to bring beer........I'm a really dumb sonnabubblegumin mother f.........ain't no 7-11's on the horizon........at least it ain't dark & snowing today........OK.......we head for Mexico the next day......well at least close.....2 miles or so north of the border...good to see all the Border Patrol vehicles in a parking lot 60 miles to the north.......I guess illegal immigration & smuggling ain't a problem this close to the border......in the mountains....in the middle of nowhere.......sign on road says "Proceed with caution. Illegal immigration & smuggling activity in the area. Enter at your own risk"......well.......reckon I'd better load the pistol and keep it handy.......aw heck.....let's go for it......what the hell......might find some pigs.........nice mountains....nobody around....peaceful.....quiet.... serene.....Aw Crap!....that's a truck with Mexican plates....it's full of Mexicans....oh bubblegum.....there's another one behind it.....aw damn.....this ain't good.......OK.....nobody make eye contact.......ain't noooobody here......go in peace Pancho, go in peace...........sonnabubblegum..... I'm getting too old for this bubblegum ...........damn...need a clean pair of shorts and forgot the asswhipe... ....yeah.....there ain't any beer either......(freakin ex-Boy Scout, it's his fault this time!).........Hey let's go hunting jackrabbits tomorrow....good spot about 40 miles out......while crossing the fence the ex-Boy Scout calmly exclaims......"Damn! I locked the keys in the car!"..... No bubblegum......cell phone coverage.... AAA card in wallet.....cool.......no...no....wait.....AAA membership expired last month...... ex-Boy Scout's hunting companion maintains composure......."I'm going hunting"......ex-Boy Scout renews AAA membership over phone & locksmith arrives...an hour later....ex-boy scout goes hunting....bunnies all over the dang place...yeeehaaaw!.....nuthin' like a 10-22 with a 25 round clip!..... Tuesday.......Ahhhh......El Paso.....it'll be good to get on the plane & get home....wonder if the woman has missed me?.....WHATTHEHELL!!!....my rifle case is suddenly not compliant with the TSA morons!!!....It was good enough for TSA in Portland a week ago.....What, you don't care what Portland did?......not your problem?.....yer kidding right?.......you don't kid......no bubblegum...fine......gotta be a sporting goods store somewhere in El Paso.....nothing but Mexicans at the cab stand....hmmm....."Djoo need a ride meeester?......."Yeah. Do you know if there's a sporting goods store nearby?"......blank looks all around.....apparently I'm speaking a foreign language...you know...something like......oh say.... ENGLISH!.......OK...we'll try this...."Wal-Mart?"....."Si! Wal-Mart. Si. Senor, you go Wal-Mart?.I take you to Wal-Mart".....no bubblegum Pedro (his real name by the way)......Ok Pedro...there's Wal-Mart....you wait here for me.....I'll pay you good....."Si. I wait for you Senor...I wait for you right here"....Screw Wally World...they ain't got bubblegum.....Did I mention that Wal-Mart doesn't like you walking around with rifles in their store...even in a locked case......"Ok, Ok I'm leaving"....who's that coming in the front door of the store....."Pedro! Where the hell you going?"......(remember the "Si...I wait for you right here Senor?).....The Gods are smiling...Pedro knows where the El Paso Gun Exchange is.....20 minutes & the plane is leaving without me.....Pedro's driving like out of a scene in the "French Connection"!....Into the store...Pedro comes with me..."Hey guys. I need a new gun case....Cool....you got two that will work.....Pedro's eyes bug outta his head when he sees all the gear in the case...2 rifles...pistol...binos...knives...GPS..."Viva La Revolucion!"....... OK...now I just need 4 padlocks...whattaya mean "this ain't no hardware store"...What? Go to Wal-Mart?....Naw...I ain't going to Wal-Mart....Man ya gotta have some locks......loud sound of clock ticking....down to 15 minutes....tick....Tick....TICK......OK....we dug up some locks......throw money at cash register...Drive Pedro Drive!.........OK...new cases...ticket counter lady smiles..."please open the locks"......I got a dozen freaking keys for 6 different locks.....whatta ya take me for lady? Harry Freaking Houdini? .....TICK....TICK.....TICK......locks open.........RUN!......RUN!......Hit the security gate.......why is elevator music playing........Hurry up you worthless SOBs!.....(did I just say that out loud?) ... ....RUN!....hit the boarding area...guy radios the plane....."he's coming down the ramp" ......... I find the hunting buddy.........."Guess what man?...You ain't gonna like this..........You didn't have to run all over El Paso........Continental Airlines sells TSA gun cases over the counter at the airport but Southwest didn't know that"................flight attendant buys me a beer..... It's gonna be Greyhound next time........
Wonder where we're going next year?
Well here we are in beautiful New Mexico....the Land of Enchantment.....hunting javelina, pigs and jackrabbits.........they got SCHLITZ beer at the Silver City Food Basket!.....Man oh man! This is gonna be a good trip!......First day out.....excited to be here again.......temperature dropped like a big rock....starting to snow...feet soaked in my Gore Tex boots....getting real cold....wind blowing.....it's the end of January.....slid off the road.........road was straight & flat at that point...damn caliche mud....stuck in a ditch....... hmmm......not a lot of tread on these tires......that might be a problem.......snowing...colder than a lot of things........wet feet....cold....middle of FREAKING NOWHERE.......damn but there's a lot of empty land in New Mexico.......gonna be a long cold night in the truck or a LONG COLD walk to a ranch house (5 miles? 10 miles? 15 miles?)......white truck in a snow storm....gonna be real hard to spot from the air.......oh yeah, nobody's gonna look for us ‘cause nobody knows where the hell we are..........cell phone coverage?....yeah right........got out of the ditch.....back into the ditch....back out......creeping along in low granny 4WD......*** end of truck seems to like the ditch......freaking snow covering the road.....dark...nuthin but blowing snow in the headlights.....goddamn cattle standing in the middle of the road....can't stop or we might not get started......shooting cattle is considered impolite in New Mexico.....made it to the highway....(now if my hunting buddy hadn't taken a shot & chased ghosts all around the pucker brush it'd still be daylight, but nooo.....)... no one on the highway......closed due to "adverse conditions"......make it to the house about 11 pm.........next day snow melting by afternoon.......my buddy gets his javelina......doesn't have a knife sharp enough to gut the little bastard.....has to wait for me to make a good 20 minute hike to give him a good knife....(he used to be in Boy Scouts?).....night falls......coyotes howl......tie the sucker to a long branch and pack it out in the dark under a full moon like a pair of tribesman from Zimbabwe.... Cool .......OK....who didn't put beer in the cooler.....I'm a dumb sonnabubblegum......I shoot my javelina the next day....driving down a canyon...jump outta the truck......perfect 100 yd shot right below the right ear......who says ya can't hunt with a 1951 Russian SKS........OK....who forgot to bring beer........I'm a really dumb sonnabubblegumin mother f.........ain't no 7-11's on the horizon........at least it ain't dark & snowing today........OK.......we head for Mexico the next day......well at least close.....2 miles or so north of the border...good to see all the Border Patrol vehicles in a parking lot 60 miles to the north.......I guess illegal immigration & smuggling ain't a problem this close to the border......in the mountains....in the middle of nowhere.......sign on road says "Proceed with caution. Illegal immigration & smuggling activity in the area. Enter at your own risk"......well.......reckon I'd better load the pistol and keep it handy.......aw heck.....let's go for it......what the hell......might find some pigs.........nice mountains....nobody around....peaceful.....quiet.... serene.....Aw Crap!....that's a truck with Mexican plates....it's full of Mexicans....oh bubblegum.....there's another one behind it.....aw damn.....this ain't good.......OK.....nobody make eye contact.......ain't noooobody here......go in peace Pancho, go in peace...........sonnabubblegum..... I'm getting too old for this bubblegum ...........damn...need a clean pair of shorts and forgot the asswhipe... ....yeah.....there ain't any beer either......(freakin ex-Boy Scout, it's his fault this time!).........Hey let's go hunting jackrabbits tomorrow....good spot about 40 miles out......while crossing the fence the ex-Boy Scout calmly exclaims......"Damn! I locked the keys in the car!"..... No bubblegum......cell phone coverage.... AAA card in wallet.....cool.......no...no....wait.....AAA membership expired last month...... ex-Boy Scout's hunting companion maintains composure......."I'm going hunting"......ex-Boy Scout renews AAA membership over phone & locksmith arrives...an hour later....ex-boy scout goes hunting....bunnies all over the dang place...yeeehaaaw!.....nuthin' like a 10-22 with a 25 round clip!..... Tuesday.......Ahhhh......El Paso.....it'll be good to get on the plane & get home....wonder if the woman has missed me?.....WHATTHEHELL!!!....my rifle case is suddenly not compliant with the TSA morons!!!....It was good enough for TSA in Portland a week ago.....What, you don't care what Portland did?......not your problem?.....yer kidding right?.......you don't kid......no bubblegum...fine......gotta be a sporting goods store somewhere in El Paso.....nothing but Mexicans at the cab stand....hmmm....."Djoo need a ride meeester?......."Yeah. Do you know if there's a sporting goods store nearby?"......blank looks all around.....apparently I'm speaking a foreign language...you know...something like......oh say.... ENGLISH!.......OK...we'll try this...."Wal-Mart?"....."Si! Wal-Mart. Si. Senor, you go Wal-Mart?.I take you to Wal-Mart".....no bubblegum Pedro (his real name by the way)......Ok Pedro...there's Wal-Mart....you wait here for me.....I'll pay you good....."Si. I wait for you Senor...I wait for you right here"....Screw Wally World...they ain't got bubblegum.....Did I mention that Wal-Mart doesn't like you walking around with rifles in their store...even in a locked case......"Ok, Ok I'm leaving"....who's that coming in the front door of the store....."Pedro! Where the hell you going?"......(remember the "Si...I wait for you right here Senor?).....The Gods are smiling...Pedro knows where the El Paso Gun Exchange is.....20 minutes & the plane is leaving without me.....Pedro's driving like out of a scene in the "French Connection"!....Into the store...Pedro comes with me..."Hey guys. I need a new gun case....Cool....you got two that will work.....Pedro's eyes bug outta his head when he sees all the gear in the case...2 rifles...pistol...binos...knives...GPS..."Viva La Revolucion!"....... OK...now I just need 4 padlocks...whattaya mean "this ain't no hardware store"...What? Go to Wal-Mart?....Naw...I ain't going to Wal-Mart....Man ya gotta have some locks......loud sound of clock ticking....down to 15 minutes....tick....Tick....TICK......OK....we dug up some locks......throw money at cash register...Drive Pedro Drive!.........OK...new cases...ticket counter lady smiles..."please open the locks"......I got a dozen freaking keys for 6 different locks.....whatta ya take me for lady? Harry Freaking Houdini? .....TICK....TICK.....TICK......locks open.........RUN!......RUN!......Hit the security gate.......why is elevator music playing........Hurry up you worthless SOBs!.....(did I just say that out loud?) ... ....RUN!....hit the boarding area...guy radios the plane....."he's coming down the ramp" ......... I find the hunting buddy.........."Guess what man?...You ain't gonna like this..........You didn't have to run all over El Paso........Continental Airlines sells TSA gun cases over the counter at the airport but Southwest didn't know that"................flight attendant buys me a beer..... It's gonna be Greyhound next time........
Wonder where we're going next year?
