Relationship Advice Needed: Spousal Resentment from quitting Snus

[monkeybutler]

@#$%&!

Yep. But what did you expect on a gun board?

 

[OldBroad44]

Yep. But what did you expect on a gun board?

Generic expressions of contempt for women is against NWFA rules. This sort of mysogyny is actually pretty rare on NWFA. Last time I saw it was actually about three years ago. Maybe more. So on NWFA I've got used to and expect to be treated with the same courtesy I extend to others.

(Friendly playing around excluded.)

 

[OldBroad44]

@#$%&!

Hey! I've actually managed to post a short post!

 

[Tlock]

I start and stop chewing Copenhagen all the time. My wife doesn't care either way, I wouldn't do well with someone dictating what I do.....what happened to my body my choice

 

[OldBroad44]

Hello @fishman --

Just because statistics suggest you will get mouth cancer from your tobacco indulgence doesn't mean you will. Plenty of people live to a ripe old age and die of something else unrelated to all their obvious vices. Sounds like you have already thought about and weighed the risks of smoking tobacco and the pleasure you get from it . So be it. Far be it for me to advise anyone to quit smoking or stop using snus. You might spend a horrible year trying to quit smoking, only to get smashed to lumpy mush in a car accident at the end of the year. Who knows? So cheer up!

As for the harmlessness of snus--I checked around on the internet. The relevant studies fail to consistently prove snus is harmful. That is not at all saying it is harmless. For decades there was insufficient openly published studies proving tobacco was harmful either. And nicotine has been shown to be addictive, to both relieve and cause depression, etc. In addition, most studies would probably be funded by tobacco companies, and tobacco companies would likely hide any negative results just as they did for smoking. If you just add the snus to your smoking habit it will probably increase your nicotine addiction. That wont improve your health. It may not hurt you enough to matter. If you use snus in such a way as to be able to cut back on smoked tobacco it might, indeed, represent an improvement in health. Whatever else, it seems to be much less bad for you than smoking.

I'm going to pose some questions. They are really just for you to think about. No need to answer any of them unless you feel like it.

Your email sounds full of rage toward and resentment of your wife almost to the point of hatred. Certainly to the point of having an unworkable marriage. However, marriages recover from rage, resentment, and hatred all the time.

The thing marriages do not recover from is contempt. Psychologists who evaluate films of a few minutes of couples' marriage counseling sessions can predict with near 100% accuracy which couples will ultimately break up simply by looking for speech and body language expressing contempt. Do you genuinely believe your wife is "unreasonable"? Not just unreasonable on occasional issues, which nearly everyone is, but generally unreasonable? If so, there is really no way out except divorce. Are there other reasons you have contempt for your wife? Other reasons besides the snus that your wife might have contempt for you?

Might your wife think of the snus more like injecting nicotine, so she thinks of it more like heroin than more familiar vices such as smoking or drinking? That might explain why she is so bent out of shape over snus while not caring about your smoking. If so, perhaps she could learn to see the snus differently.

Is the basic problem about the snus at all? It might be about dominance. A good bit of your rage seems to be coming from the fact that your wife has blatantly dominated you on this issue. And it sounds like this may be a pattern for her. I dont blame you for being furous and resentful. Couples tend to have complex dominance patterns. In many cases one person is more mellow and flexible than the other, and can let the other have his/her way about nearly everything. But if the issue really matters to them they expect to get their way since they have yielded on so much else. Some couples instead negotiate practically everything. And some people expect to get their way on everything. There are some people, some men, some women, who threaten a divorce every time they don't get their own way. Unless you are willing to be totally submissive, sooner or later you need to call her bluff, if bluff it is. Or go ahead and just get divorced if its no bluff. Before you do that, see a lawyer, draw up the papers, and move your share of any joint funds to a separate account.

Maybe the problem is the lying to her about and concealing the snus instead of a dominance or some other issue. In which case I'd suggest apologizing sincerely for lying and concealing about the snus, and tell her you will not do that again. But you are going to use the snus, and if she values your marriage so little that she will divorce over that, its time to end the marriage. And here are the divorce papers, which you have already signed. Its up to her.

Spend some time asking yourself frank questions. What do you get from the marriage. What does she get? Do you still love each other? Is the sex still regular and good? Have you been faithful? Has she? Do you enjoy each others company? Respect each other? Have each others backs? Are there children? What are the implications for any children if there is a divorce?

As for counseling, most couples don't seek it until the marriage is already so dead that at least one of the couple just wants out, and the marriage cannot be fixed. In addition, the counselor is usually a female, and the entire field is taught and dominated by females. I think most men with a marital problem are better off getting individual counseling from a male counselor. If they need want counseling at all.

 

[Jay Walk]

I have no advice to add but am glad my wife has a life that does not involve telling me what to do.

 

[TTSX]

"you can't tell me what to do!" Say the tax paying, speed limit driving, form 4473 filing people of the Internet...

 

[Certaindeaf]

"you can't tell me what to do!" Say the tax paying, speed limit driving, form 4473 filing people of the Internet...

Stifle, Edith!






Lool!

 

[bolus]

Addictions are an interesting biological process.

We have this core survival system that's pretty much built to keep us alive until we can reproduce. We have the dopamine reward system in the brain that keeps us addicted to food so we don't starve to death and then sex to keep on reproducing.

its a very powerful system. It keeps us eating every day despite having months of fat storage already. But it gets even stronger if we dont eat. Think of what it would be like living without supermarkets. A few days after not eating this system is pushing you really hard to get food. After a few weeks your dopamine system is pushing you to eat road kill or bugs or something even more disgusting. You'll cheat and lie and steal to get food. People will even kill others if pushed enough to starvation. Why? well because you die without it. It has to be massively powerful.

As a physician, I also see the opposite. Various conditions cause people to lose this addiction to food. I see them lose their appetite and they will be dying from starvation and it is very difficult to get them to eat. Food is disgusting to them without this dopamine addiction system.

So here comes nicotine, or heroin, or meth, or other addictive chemical and tricks the brain into releasing dopamine. So now the brain thinks it needs nicotine to live. It makes you crave it, makes you feel bad if you dont get it, if strong enough it will make you cheat, lie and steal to get it.

So every thing you tell yourself about nicotine "Its a hobby, I enjoy it, it relaxes me, etc" every justification, every reasoning, is your brain literally tricking you into getting more because the system thinks you'll die without it.

Do you have any desire to go outside and lick a tree? No of course not. If it released dopamine though, you'd risk your marriage to be out there licking a tree right now. You'd have some bark tucked into your cheek, You'd stash branches in your pants.

Its all a stupid brain fabrication because it thinks we need it to live.

That is why it is hard to quit. To their brain, telling a patient to quit smoking is the same as telling them to never eat again ever. The brain will freak the F out

It ended my marriage. Dopamine and a bad doctor got my wife addicted to opiates and benzo's. after years of that escalating her brain has convinced her that it was more important than me and the only thing that mattered. It made her cheat, lie and steal to get more. Nearly killed her multiple times and she still wanted it more than anything else. She is somewhere right now most likely trying to trick some physician into giving her more.

 

[Certaindeaf]

My licking toad is giving me the side eye.

 

[Jay Walk]

Hey! I've actually managed to post a short post!

First time?
Ooops

 

[OldBroad44]

First time?
Ooops

No. But short posts are not exactly my norm.