Relationship Advice Needed: Spousal Resentment from quitting Snus

[spookshack]

OP, it sounds like your marriage is at crossroads. You got basically two options at this point and those are; to seek out some type of professional counseling and get the help you both so desperately need or a good divorce lawyer.

I for one, will be praying that God will fully restore your marriage and deliver you from addiction. I'm not here to " preach" to you. If however, hearing more about God or how He can help you and your wife appeals to you, feel free to send me PM via the forum here.

 

[Aero Denezol]

For most people nicotine withdrawal is severe. Someone who never used nicotine does not understand this. I absolutely loved smoking and still think about it 11 years after quitting.

My guess is your wife is not upset about the snus, but more upset about the lie. It's hard to come back from a lie in a marriage. Women place lying right up there with cheating. See if you can re-negotiate some level of nicotine use with her. Maybe she finds something about the snus especially gross.

Everyone has a bad habit or is dependent on something. Gambling, French Fries, TikTok, you name it. Judgment is the last thing you need to hear from others.

 

[SonicBlue03]

Lol! Pretty sure I already have the cancer. I've tried to reason with her and incentivize her but she won't crack.

She's either very principled or a typical woman (completely unreasonable.)

 

[Longwalkhome]

My wife died from cancer caused by smoking cigarettes, an addiction she just couldn't break. She was 58 and that was 13 years ago. Horrible way to die and your loved ones suffer too.

 

[Tinman357]

The best communications.
The best, most equitable of compromise
Best of intentions
Doesn't matter who is right or wrong

It isnt about the tobacco

All of that kind of goes out the window when a wife assumes and acts like she is the ultimate authority and hands down orders like a queen.

I'll talk, compromise, debate, agree to an equitable solution. But when a woman starts barking commands at me? They find themselves with all their predecessors watching me walk away.

I've been through 3 divorces. I filed all 3 times. Expensive, a major pain in the tookus. Worth every penny and bad time.

"At what cost freedom? Just the simple freedom for a person to just be who they are?"
Whatever it takes.

Every woman I've ever been involved with has been my equal. I never met one that was my superior.

I am no collard slave and I won't be treated like one. Respect goes both ways. Without that, nothing else matters anyway.

 

[DunRanull]

John Maynard Books>>> "I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them". Same goes in an espoused relationship.

 

[Cavedweller]

I don't think I can help you with your problem, but I would suggest you not take marital advice from someone with three failed marriages in their resume.

 

[albin25]

You've got a choice….
1- give up a nasty health destroying habit … and lying about it to your spouse….
or
2- giving up half of everything you own, (Meaning, she'll get the house, car, boat, guns…. And you'll get to pay for them!)

 

[arakboss]

If you have to choose between snus or your marriage, I think it's a pretty easy choice.

 

[Andy54Hawken]

I had no plans of quitting snus but my wife found out I had been using snus behind her back for months and flew into a rage.

This seems to me at least , more serious than tobacco use.
The whole "behind her back" ...can come back and bite you in the azz.
Andy

 

[CountryGent]

My guess is your wife is not upset about the snus, but more upset about the lie.

My hunch as well. Absolute, rock solid trust, or it ain't going to work. (Even more so with cultural differences and unconventional relationship dynamics.) And that takes a lot of communication. But I've known my wife since childhood, so it is pretty damn hard for us to pull a fast one, at this point anyway.

 

[Tinman357]

Cavedweller;

Despite the fact you try to urinate over every post I make, In this one you are absolutely correct!

Don't take marital advice from me. I agree with that. I have no idea how a good marriage works. Thats why I don't give that advice.

On the other hand I'm really good at pointing out very real issues that cannot be resolved. I got lots of experiance on that.

It doesn't seem his wife respects him. She seemed quite comfortable making a demand and "laying down the law" to him.

If thats the case, there is just no way around that IMHO.

Other thing I learned. I may question what is said in a post. I would never make a personal attack on the person making it.

My 3 failed marriages (which you know nothing about) are less of an indicator of my character as a person and more of an indicator that I value my self respect and won't be "whipped" into submission.

 

[coreymet]

Counseling/Therapy as soon as you can. There is almost always some issue that is causing a person to be controlling. MAYBE it is just she truly wants you around as long as possible. MAYBE. Perhaps there is something in her background that makes her controlling. Went through that with my wife. Found out a LOT in therapy. Just make sure you find one who has both your interests at heart.
(15 years of wedded bliss. Been married for 28, but I am sure that at least 15 of them have been blissful!)
Seriously, if you want to keep it together look into counseling. Assuming she wants to keep it together also.

 

[TTSX]

 

[monkeybutler]

Hot buggery can save a relationship.

 

[hongkong2]

 

[P7M13]

Speak your truth.
Say what you need and want.
Have some flexibility to work with her needs and desires.
If you cannot come to an agreement and she insists on something you cannot abide with, GTFO.
Lots of folks have suggested counselors. Some really suck, so be careful.
It's good that you spent enough time in introspection to understand your anger and resentment towards her and her control. That gives you the knowledge to adjust, and also respond calmly when she operates in that way.
Over time, partners develop habits in the relationship as a coping mechanism of the balancing act that is a long term relationship.
Some may be beneficial, some destructive, but over time, as the two partners grow and change, those habits no longer work. You may be looking at that, and it's together you can forge your new path together.

 

[Certaindeaf]

Weird asking people for relationship advice in a place I usually go to to find killer deals on optics and parts lol. I'm at my wits end. I have been a pipe smoker and cigar smoker for years and smoke way too much. Never have been into cigarettes but with the rate I smoke, I am bound to get mouth cancer within the next ten years. Yet I can't/won't ever entirely secede because of my love of the hobby. Father in law got me hooked on real Swedish snus (not the crap Camel puts out) and since then it's helped me stop smoking as much. I had no plans of quitting snus but my wife found out I had been using snus behind her back for months and flew into a rage. For some reason she's okay with me partaking in something that will likely kill me but not okay with snus which, unlike dip, has been shown to be largely harmless. She made me quit the stuff at risk of ending the marriage. I am pissed and frankly wish I would have told her, "bye Felicia". It's one thing if she were to make me quit drinking, drugs, cigs, etc. but something that has been shown to be 99% harmless is ridiculous, especially if its helping me quit something that actually is detrimental to my health. I've appealed to her multiple times but she doesn't want me being "dependent" on something (sort of like her coffee consumption lol, the irony). Anyways, I am developing a strong feeling of resentment towards her for practically being strong-armed into complying with her wishes. I am being forced to quit something I have no desire to quit at all. Not only am I angry from nic withdrawal but I am angry because my wife is making me quit something I love. I can't even look her in the eye when she's talking to me I am so angry with her. I know I am addicted to snus but since its not killing me, I don't see anything wrong with it. There are many other things I am extremely resentful towards my wife for but won't bring them up here. This is just the icing on the cake. What should I do here? Tell her to shove it and leave if she wants or respect her wishes?

Your only viable option is to see if she'll go for mint pouches "to help you quit" and then swaparoo the can with snus pouches.




Lulz

 

[JeremyK]

I'm a divorcee and a smoker of cigarettes for better than twenty years, so I'm pretty biased on your dilemma. As far as practical advice goes, when I've tried to quit smoking in the past, nicotine gum was an absolute Godsend. The nicorette tropical fruit flavor in particular.

 

[arakboss]

I don't understand why a wife wouldn't want to continue swapping saliva with a mouth like this.