Relationship Advice Needed: Spousal Resentment from quitting Snus

[fishmansf]

Weird asking people for relationship advice in a place I usually go to to find killer deals on optics and parts lol. I'm at my wits end. I have been a pipe smoker and cigar smoker for years and smoke way too much. Never have been into cigarettes but with the rate I smoke, I am bound to get mouth cancer within the next ten years. Yet I can't/won't ever entirely secede because of my love of the hobby. Father in law got me hooked on real Swedish snus (not the crap Camel puts out) and since then it's helped me stop smoking as much. I had no plans of quitting snus but my wife found out I had been using snus behind her back for months and flew into a rage. For some reason she's okay with me partaking in something that will likely kill me but not okay with snus which, unlike dip, has been shown to be largely harmless. She made me quit the stuff at risk of ending the marriage. I am pissed and frankly wish I would have told her, "bye Felicia". It's one thing if she were to make me quit drinking, drugs, cigs, etc. but something that has been shown to be 99% harmless is ridiculous, especially if its helping me quit something that actually is detrimental to my health. I've appealed to her multiple times but she doesn't want me being "dependent" on something (sort of like her coffee consumption lol, the irony). Anyways, I am developing a strong feeling of resentment towards her for practically being strong-armed into complying with her wishes. I am being forced to quit something I have no desire to quit at all. Not only am I angry from nic withdrawal but I am angry because my wife is making me quit something I love. I can't even look her in the eye when she's talking to me I am so angry with her. I know I am addicted to snus but since its not killing me, I don't see anything wrong with it. There are many other things I am extremely resentful towards my wife for but won't bring them up here. This is just the icing on the cake. What should I do here? Tell her to shove it and leave if she wants or respect her wishes?

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[User 1234]

The first thing I would say is this: Slow down. Take many deep breaths. This is your marriage.


I would find a trusted pastor, marriage counselor, someone to guide you both to work through this dispute and unpack the other issues you mentioned. If you two still divorce, then at least it was done after careful thought.

 

[TTSX]

You're mad because you're in withdrawal. Ok, ok there's more to it than that, I get it.

I'm not married, I've never been married and I don't plan to be married so take what I say with that in mind

I've been witness to many marriages both successful and unsuccessful. Do you know what the biggest thing I've noticed in the successful, multi decade marriages? Communication. And it sounds like you two lack in that department. You're using an addictive substance behind her back and do you know WHY you're doing it behind her back? Because you know she doesn't approve but you don't really care. It also sounds like this is a straw that broke the camel situation in that just using a tobacco product isn't going to put someone in the sights of a divorce ultimatum. Was there financial/physical infidelity in the past? (Don't answer that, rhetorical question) Is this a thing where you've been saying for the last 20 years that you'll quit tomorrow but never do? What about spending time with the boys getting drunk instead of having a cozy evening in enjoying your spouse's company? Has there been enough of meeting HER needs as well as your own?

You need a marriage counselor, you really do. Most importantly, though, you need to just give her a big hug and apologize for going behind her back. And take a couple days TOBACCO FREE to let the nicotine work it's way out of your system. The first few days really are the hardest. I've been tobacco free for 5 years and I still get the cravings. Sometimes I think just one won't hurt but one will become one pack, one pack will become one a week, will become one a day... I know you don't want to quit. I get it. For the sake of your marriage, try for a few days. Just try. She will LOVE to see you put in a little extra effort just for her. Because she's your wife. You know, for better or worse? Right now you're in a "worse" and you'll get to a "better" down the line.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. You can take whatever you like and throw out the rest. Sometimes just putting it out there is a great first step.

 

[spookshack]

Lots of wisdom in the two previous posts. Heed their advice…..

 

[Richo877]

Do what makes you happiest. If your hobby makes you happier than seeing your wife happy, that says more about you than her. Maybe flip a coin? It could determine if you'll get head or tuck tail. Or make her give up something she enjoys as an ultimatum. Spite and malice ftw!

 

[Certaindeaf]

That's a tough spot. Quitting chew (I use Skoal snus) is harder than quitting smoking so good luck with it all.
Oh, try some 8mg On pouches.. tiny white pouches that stay white and pack a punch.. pretty cheap too.

 

[Tinman357]

Sounds like the wife believes the marriage license is the same as a bill of sale back in the days of slavery. She's establishing her ownership and dominance over her property.

I had 3 just like her. I would never force a wife to do something she did not want to do. Just because I married her doesn't mean I have the right to lay down the law.

A lot of couples seem to forget that you may be a couple. But both are still unique individuals.

But what do I know? I'm just a middle aged, white man. Everything is my fault anyway.

 

[CountryGent]

Sounds most frustrating. However, at the end of the day, what is more important, your health and the stability of your marriage or an enjoyable but unhealthy habit?

That is not to dismiss or downplay your feelings, or hers, or how the issue was addressed. It sounds like the how was as big a deal as the what. That is where good communication needs to come in to play and none of us here know all the dynamics and factors impacting said.

For whatever it is worth, I used to have a habit that was unhealthy and it translated to issues in the marriage. So I drop-kicked the habit and then no more issue. I wish all of them were that easily resolved, but they're not.

Anyway, good luck. Best of wishes to you, your spouse, to good health, and long life.

 

[DunRanull]

FREEEEDOM!!!!! Cover and protect your assets as much as possible and prepare for the Big One. Personally I won't be micro-managed like that, but that's just me.

 

[TTSX]

Yeah, you know what? Screw being told what to do. Torpedo your marriage so you can indulge in tobacco. Totally worth it.

 

[Richo877]

Yeah, you know what? Screw being told what to do. Torpedo your marriage so you can indulge in tobacco. Totally worth it.

There ya go. Now we're on the right track.

 

[jayR]

Buy a shiny new gun.. You'll feel better.

 

[Richo877]

In all seriousness though, the issue doesn't sound like is coming from the tobacco use. As previously mentioned ^^ it seems the issue is more about communicating, honesty, and trust. I have some experience in the area, that I'm not proud of, but if op is willing to be open and have meaningful discussions with his s/o about expectations and boundaries, then they can mend. Even if there's total disagreement, then at least there's solace in knowing all routes have been cleared and the final path is the correct one.

 

[DunRanull]

Yeah, you know what? Screw being told what to do. Torpedo your marriage so you can indulge in tobacco. Totally worth it.

Sounds like it's already been "torpedoed". After my divorce, I discovered that there are women who ARENT bossy and controlling. Been married to one the last thirteen years.

 

[SonicBlue03]

You could try a different approach. Explain to your wife that if she's willing to keep encouraging you to the habit, you'll ensure you stay up to date on your life insurance policy so there's something in it for her when you take a painful exit from metastasized mouth and throat cancer.

Marriage is about trade-offs, so make sure you're highlighting how she wins too.

 

[fishmansf]

That's a tough spot. Quitting chew (I use Skoal snus) is harder than quitting smoking so good luck with it all.
Oh, try some 8mg On pouches.. tiny white pouches that stay white and pack a punch.. pretty cheap too.

It's been the hardest thing I've ever done so far. Worst part is I'm doing it against my own will. The problem isn't the tobacco but it's the "nasty habit" and "addictive nature" as the ball and chain puts it that makes her want me to to stop.

 

[fishmansf]

You could try a different approach. Explain to your wife that if she's willing to keep encouraging you to the habit, you'll ensure you stay up to date on your life insurance policy so there's something in it for her when you take a painful exit from metastasized mouth and throat cancer.

Marriage is about trade-offs, so make sure you're highlighting how she wins too.

Lol! Pretty sure I already have the cancer. I've tried to reason with her and incentivize her but she won't crack.

 

[fishmansf]

Sounds like it's already been "torpedoed". After my divorce, I discovered that there are women who ARENT bossy and controlling. Been married to one the last thirteen years.

Wow! Lucky you! I'm about one argument away from taking the same route as you!

 

[fishmansf]

Sounds most frustrating. However, at the end of the day, what is more important, your health and the stability of your marriage or an enjoyable but unhealthy habit?

That is not to dismiss or downplay your feelings, or hers, or how the issue was addressed. It sounds like the how was as big a deal as the what. That is where good communication needs to come in to play and none of us here know all the dynamics and factors impacting said.

For whatever it is worth, I used to have a habit that was unhealthy and it translated to issues in the marriage. So I drop-kicked the habit and then no more issue. I wish all of them were that easily resolved, but they're not.

Anyway, good luck. Best of wishes to you, your spouse, to good health, and long life.

I have been reflecting a lot on this and I think the anger comes, not so much from a place of "I can't have it so I'm going to throw a tantrum" but rather, a place of not wanting my wife (or anyone for that matter but let alone my wife) to tell me what to do. We've had a power struggle our whole marriage and this is another fruit of that. I believe you're right about communication but I think even if I were to have been forthright with her about snus usage, she'd still be controlling over it.

 

[fishmansf]

Sounds like the wife believes the marriage license is the same as a bill of sale back in the days of slavery. She's establishing her ownership and dominance over her property.

I had 3 just like her. I would never force a wife to do something she did not want to do. Just because I married her doesn't mean I have the right to lay down the law.

A lot of couples seem to forget that you may be a couple. But both are still unique individuals.

But what do I know? I'm just a middle aged, white man. Everything is my fault anyway.

I agree! I would never force her to do something she doesn't want to do. That's what's frustrating. She has a lot of habits I detest but she's never worked on giving those uo