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USS Portland

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by teflon97239, Oct 23, 2015.

  1. teflon97239

    teflon97239 Portland, OR Well-Known Member

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    USS%20Portland_zpszg8j7rf4.jpg
    I was interested in a news article about the new US Navy ship (LPD 27) under construction in Mississippi, and plans afoot to sail the vessel, USS Portland, to the City of Roses for her formal commissioning sometime in 2017.

    As a former sailor (last century) I found myself daydreaming at work today about what attributes a warship might possess to merit the moniker "USS Portland." Here, in no particular order, are some things that occurred to me:

    - Rainbow flag with Hillary and Coexist stickers on the fantail

    - Uniforms by Columbia. Footwear by Nike

    - Hybrid power - partial zero emissions

    - New unused roof rack

    - Hemp lines

    - Do ask, please tell!

    - Growlers of insipid local "Belgian" micros on beer day - Woo-Hoo!

    - Mess deck serves pho and Voodoo donuts with vegan, gluten free alternatives

    - Crossfit for PT

    - Beverages only come in tall, grande or venti

    - Overcrowded - not enough racks, but plenty of filthy sleeping bags and tents

    - Radios only receive NPR

    - Beards are mandatory - long ones

    - Bicycles - f_ing everywhere!

    - It lists hard to the left

    - No guns

    Anchors aweigh! You young swab-jockeys have fun with that.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2015
  2. mkwerx

    mkwerx Forest Grove, OR Well-Known Member

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    LoL

    Uniforms in pink camo

    Captained by the first transgender bisexual skipper

    Piloted by the navy's worst helmsmen - they travel slow in the fast shipping lanes, fast in the slow lanes, won't signal their intention to maneuver

    Won't leave port without half a dozen micro brews and bistro chef aboard

    Birth Control glasses mandatory for all, to go with their hipster beards.

    Calls for citizen oversight committees to ensure other warships are obeying international law and use less than lethal force, or just turn around and leave the enemies alone.

    Floating sanctuary city
     
  3. mike1281

    mike1281 Canby Member

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    A "Keep Portland Weird" bumper sticker of course!
     
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  4. etrain16

    etrain16 Oregon Bronze Supporter Bronze Supporter

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    Probably will carry some amphibious transports - Subaru wagons with floats on the sides.
     
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  5. Dyjital

    Dyjital Albany, Ore Flavorite Member Bronze Supporter

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    Must include plastic kayaks and have "No to ANWAR" sticker or spray painted on the side.
     
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  6. etrain16

    etrain16 Oregon Bronze Supporter Bronze Supporter

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    And some protesters hanging from ropes off the side...
     
  7. Stomper

    Stomper Oceania Rising White Is The New Brown Silver Supporter

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    It must also have a contingent of homeless meth-heads to serve as a "Marine boarding-party". They will strip an enemy ship of all useable metal quicker than a school of piranha hitting a horse leg at low-tide!
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2015
  8. Modeler

    Modeler Molalla, Oregon Soccer Fan

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    This thread is full of brilliance and win. Love it.
     
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  9. Stomper

    Stomper Oceania Rising White Is The New Brown Silver Supporter

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    aka- Willamette River Squishy Brown Trout... brought to you by the "Big Pipe" Federal "Super Fund" program. :rolleyes:
     
  10. lowly monk

    lowly monk Beaverton, Oregon. Just a guy. Bronze Supporter

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    Pearl district ladies with jewelry dogs.
     
  11. Stomper

    Stomper Oceania Rising White Is The New Brown Silver Supporter

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    So you're suggesting a permanent USO entertainment detachment, yeah? ;)
     
  12. clearconscience

    clearconscience Vancouver, WA Well-Known Member

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    Also no showers, everyone takes whores baths, and smell like bigfoots anus.
     
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  13. Dyjital

    Dyjital Albany, Ore Flavorite Member Bronze Supporter

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    Must not forget affirmative action.

    Anyone from the street can be on it before any trained sailors are.

    This is a free loading ship. It will never leave port.
     
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  14. RicInOR

    RicInOR Washington County Bronze Supporter Bronze Supporter

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    You think that by 2017 we can organize a nice little protest, the City of Portland should not be associated with War-Mongering. Therefore no weapons.

    We should insist for example that it be painted in the Dazzle Cammo Scheme -
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/guides/zty8tfr
     
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