I was interested in a news article about the new US Navy ship (LPD 27) under construction in Mississippi, and plans afoot to sail the vessel, USS Portland, to the City of Roses for her formal commissioning sometime in 2017. As a former sailor (last century) I found myself daydreaming at work today about what attributes a warship might possess to merit the moniker "USS Portland." Here, in no particular order, are some things that occurred to me: - Rainbow flag with Hillary and Coexist stickers on the fantail - Uniforms by Columbia. Footwear by Nike - Hybrid power - partial zero emissions - New unused roof rack - Hemp lines - Do ask, please tell! - Growlers of insipid local "Belgian" micros on beer day - Woo-Hoo! - Mess deck serves pho and Voodoo donuts with vegan, gluten free alternatives - Crossfit for PT - Beverages only come in tall, grande or venti - Overcrowded - not enough racks, but plenty of filthy sleeping bags and tents - Radios only receive NPR - Beards are mandatory - long ones - Bicycles - f_ing everywhere! - It lists hard to the left - No guns Anchors aweigh! You young swab-jockeys have fun with that.