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I was interested in a news article about the new US Navy ship (LPD 27) under construction in Mississippi, and plans afoot to sail the vessel, USS Portland, to the City of Roses for her formal commissioning sometime in 2017.

As a former sailor (last century) I found myself daydreaming at work today about what attributes a warship might possess to merit the moniker "USS Portland." Here, in no particular order, are some things that occurred to me:

- Rainbow flag with Hillary and Coexist stickers on the fantail

- Uniforms by Columbia. Footwear by Nike

- Hybrid power - partial zero emissions

- New unused roof rack

- Hemp lines

- Do ask, please tell!

- Growlers of insipid local "Belgian" micros on beer day - Woo-Hoo!

- Mess deck serves pho and Voodoo donuts with vegan, gluten free alternatives

- Crossfit for PT

- Beverages only come in tall, grande or venti

- Overcrowded - not enough racks, but plenty of filthy sleeping bags and tents

- Radios only receive NPR

- Beards are mandatory - long ones

- Bicycles - f_ing everywhere!

- It lists hard to the left

- No guns

Anchors aweigh! You young swab-jockeys have fun with that.
 
Last Edited:
LoL

Uniforms in pink camo

Captained by the first transgender bisexual skipper

Piloted by the navy's worst helmsmen - they travel slow in the fast shipping lanes, fast in the slow lanes, won't signal their intention to maneuver

Won't leave port without half a dozen micro brews and bistro chef aboard

Birth Control glasses mandatory for all, to go with their hipster beards.

Calls for citizen oversight committees to ensure other warships are obeying international law and use less than lethal force, or just turn around and leave the enemies alone.

Floating sanctuary city
 
Must include plastic kayaks and have "No to ANWAR" sticker or spray painted on the side.
 
Must not forget affirmative action.

Anyone from the street can be on it before any trained sailors are.

This is a free loading ship. It will never leave port.
 

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