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You've been infected with the dreaded TeenDotr-13..... T'aint no power in the 'Verse can cure ya .
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Raising a daughter
- Thread Starter Oregonhunter5
- Start date
You've been infected with the dreaded TeenDotr-13..... T'aint no power in the 'Verse can cure ya .
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I've got two daughters....13 and 16. Two very different personalities though, it really is amazing. My 13yo in particular is exactly as you describe. Keep in mind, 13 is probably the most difficult age. Lots of things happening. Patience, listening and talking goes a long way. Kids these days I do believe have it more difficult that prior generations with all the social media apps out there and the internet in general, so there could be some things going on that you guys can all sit down and have a discussion about.
One thing I have learned is patience, but at the same time the only thing that really gets her to act naturally is grounding from friends and taking away her phone. Grounding is good so they have some private time to mull over their actions and realize adjusting their attitude is the key to get privileges back. They really (at least mine do) hate losing their phones though, especially during this time with no school.
If she doesn't have a phone, maybe give her an incentive to receive one? I was originally against my kids having phones but it has some great advantages too, which I think outweigh the risks. I am able to reach them anytime, and they have a way to get a hold of me whenever. Just be sure to keep tabs on her behavior with the phone. So much bad stuff out there you don't want your kids to have access to, but you can set limits on the type of stuff she does on it too.
Also get her into an activity she enjoys.... My 16yo took a liking to archery so we got into that together, and let me tell ya it feels really good to do something as a family that we all enjoy.
One thing I have learned is patience, but at the same time the only thing that really gets her to act naturally is grounding from friends and taking away her phone. Grounding is good so they have some private time to mull over their actions and realize adjusting their attitude is the key to get privileges back. They really (at least mine do) hate losing their phones though, especially during this time with no school.
If she doesn't have a phone, maybe give her an incentive to receive one? I was originally against my kids having phones but it has some great advantages too, which I think outweigh the risks. I am able to reach them anytime, and they have a way to get a hold of me whenever. Just be sure to keep tabs on her behavior with the phone. So much bad stuff out there you don't want your kids to have access to, but you can set limits on the type of stuff she does on it too.
Also get her into an activity she enjoys.... My 16yo took a liking to archery so we got into that together, and let me tell ya it feels really good to do something as a family that we all enjoy.
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My daughter is 2 and a half and I am trying every day to see her as that 8 year old, 13 year old, 16 year old. Am I connecting with her enough TODAY so I can connect tomorrow? We fathers cannot wait until tomorrow to make those connections. Now. Because we can never make that time up.
This is one silver lining of the Corn Teen...I can spend some great time with my kids!
This is one silver lining of the Corn Teen...I can spend some great time with my kids!
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OK, but DO NOT try to yell "Hold the door!" to 16 year old her with your mind.
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I have two of each, and all I can say is that they're all different! My oldest is only 15 so I can't say I have much experience yet. I have two different friends who have each successfully raised daughters that they're proud of, and I've watched and learned from them (hopefully). They both say that keeping that relationship is key at that age.
My oldest changed 2 or 3 years ago. She's still a great kid, but she was no longer Daddy's little girl, and she got distant and moody at times. It was awkward, but I realized things were changing so I just did my best to adjust and keep a good relationship. I'd take her places, go out to dinner, realized that I had to talk to her a little more as an adult instead of just a child. She's a really good kid and we're pretty proud of her. She can be moody, but she's smart, gets top grades and doesn't do drama. A friend has a daughter the same age who is all about teenage drama, and a real challenge. They're all different.
I think about the worst thing you can do is fight. My dad and my older sister were much the same in personality, and fought terribly. Each one always had to be right, and I remember the yelling matches. She ended up running off with the first dirt-bag who talked nice to her. She eventually married a nice guy and raised a nice family, but to this day her and my father don't talk, most likely won't see each other ever again, in this lifetime.
I think that ideally, you've got to be the parent and make a lot of age-appropriate decision for them, but more on a sliding scale- more authority (and protecting/pampering) and less influence when they're little, gradually becoming less iron-authority (and pampering) and more influence as they grow up. Hopefully by the time they reach adulthood, they're ready to be independent, productive adults, not spoiled snowflakes like we see so much of nowadays.
My oldest changed 2 or 3 years ago. She's still a great kid, but she was no longer Daddy's little girl, and she got distant and moody at times. It was awkward, but I realized things were changing so I just did my best to adjust and keep a good relationship. I'd take her places, go out to dinner, realized that I had to talk to her a little more as an adult instead of just a child. She's a really good kid and we're pretty proud of her. She can be moody, but she's smart, gets top grades and doesn't do drama. A friend has a daughter the same age who is all about teenage drama, and a real challenge. They're all different.
I think about the worst thing you can do is fight. My dad and my older sister were much the same in personality, and fought terribly. Each one always had to be right, and I remember the yelling matches. She ended up running off with the first dirt-bag who talked nice to her. She eventually married a nice guy and raised a nice family, but to this day her and my father don't talk, most likely won't see each other ever again, in this lifetime.
You've got some wisdom there. The way it was explained to me is that when your child is a newborn, you do everything for her. You decide when she'll eat, sleep, and get a clean diaper. When she's 18 she should be an adult, and hopefully able to function in society as one, following her own rules. At that point your authority ends, and you're just an influence, if she still wants you to be. Some parents (like mine) think that you have this god-like parental authority over your child from the time they're born until the day they turn 18, when they're magically an adult.
I think that ideally, you've got to be the parent and make a lot of age-appropriate decision for them, but more on a sliding scale- more authority (and protecting/pampering) and less influence when they're little, gradually becoming less iron-authority (and pampering) and more influence as they grow up. Hopefully by the time they reach adulthood, they're ready to be independent, productive adults, not spoiled snowflakes like we see so much of nowadays.
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Same here.
^^Truth
My daughter is 23 but she is still a women.
Things are a lot better now then when she was in her teens.
GL
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It's a power struggle, plain and simple, between hormones and reason -- one you are guaranteed to lose.
I applaud you if she doesn't have a phone.
Hormones dictate who she is at the moment. Any change you need, and effectiveness you might have will come from you being resourceful. Watch her behavior, listen to how she communicates, pay attention to how she thinks. Do not judge, do not lose your sheite.
If you want to teach her something or reprimand her, do so where she becomes a part of the solution, rather than dictating the resolution.
Get to know her "currency" : finding out what she values or treasures. Use these as carrots, do not be stingy. Do not hesitate to take away either.
My oldest was a handful from the earliest age. Growing up, I used corporal punishment on her, and realized, this child will escalate it to the next level, no matter, until you are at nuclear war - and she will nuke the house without a moments' hesitation.
I didn't give her a phone because I did not trust her with one.
There were at least two dozen times, if there was a place where I could drive to and drop her into the fires of hell, I would have done so without a second thought. I believed, many times, I'd receive a call from the police -- the kind no one wants to hear.
She's married now, a resilient woman, works hard, sweet as pie, and I'm very proud of her.
I applaud you if she doesn't have a phone.
Hormones dictate who she is at the moment. Any change you need, and effectiveness you might have will come from you being resourceful. Watch her behavior, listen to how she communicates, pay attention to how she thinks. Do not judge, do not lose your sheite.
If you want to teach her something or reprimand her, do so where she becomes a part of the solution, rather than dictating the resolution.
Get to know her "currency" : finding out what she values or treasures. Use these as carrots, do not be stingy. Do not hesitate to take away either.
My oldest was a handful from the earliest age. Growing up, I used corporal punishment on her, and realized, this child will escalate it to the next level, no matter, until you are at nuclear war - and she will nuke the house without a moments' hesitation.
I didn't give her a phone because I did not trust her with one.
There were at least two dozen times, if there was a place where I could drive to and drop her into the fires of hell, I would have done so without a second thought. I believed, many times, I'd receive a call from the police -- the kind no one wants to hear.
She's married now, a resilient woman, works hard, sweet as pie, and I'm very proud of her.
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My daughters were a bit challenging during their teen years, but both have turned into fine women.
Try to be the calm and steady foundation that she needs. Love, guide, and protect her as best you can. You'll make mistakes - we all do.
They're funny at that stage. One day, they want to be your little girl, and the next day they're mad at you for not treating them like an adult.
But you'll make it through this transition, and have some great memories. I absolutely loved being a Dad for my kids. Now I get to be a Grandpa.
Try to be the calm and steady foundation that she needs. Love, guide, and protect her as best you can. You'll make mistakes - we all do.
They're funny at that stage. One day, they want to be your little girl, and the next day they're mad at you for not treating them like an adult.
But you'll make it through this transition, and have some great memories. I absolutely loved being a Dad for my kids. Now I get to be a Grandpa.
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Ive got two myself. 5 & 16... my son just turned 13.
Its hell of a time to navigate. Really, the key to surviving these years is to build a foundation early on.
All of my kids know that I am their best friend and biggest nightmare.
But I do it calmly. I dont get mad at them.
I lay out expectations and what the consequences and/or rewards are for those actions.... and I stick to it 99% of the time.
If I say, "if you dont have ______ cleaned up by ______, you are grounded from _______ for ________" or if I say, we are going for ice cream after dinner.... by God I follow through on it all... good or bad, big or small.
This way I am always consistent. When I say something, they have grown up knowing that I will follow through with it.
My divorce a number of years ago brought us all closer as I had full custody of them and did the single parent thing for a while... even when it was hard to do, I stuck by my word and I think its made a huge difference.
Dont know your whole situation... but really all you can do at this point is to ALWAYS be the cooler head, even if she really pisses you off. Clearly define expectations and consequences and follow through every time. FInd a way, a new way to bond with her, no matter how small. You have to be that rock.
Sometimes kids go off the deep end for a while. From 12-18 I was a worthless piece of bubblegum. I dropped out of school... I drank, smoked, stayed out all night... got in trouble with the law..... did a lot of other things that I never got caught for...... I got lucky in a lot of ways. I was able to get myself together, on my own, stopped acting a fool, went back to school and graduated. ... became a productive member of society.
Kids are nuts, but its going to be okay
Its hell of a time to navigate. Really, the key to surviving these years is to build a foundation early on.
All of my kids know that I am their best friend and biggest nightmare.
But I do it calmly. I dont get mad at them.
I lay out expectations and what the consequences and/or rewards are for those actions.... and I stick to it 99% of the time.
If I say, "if you dont have ______ cleaned up by ______, you are grounded from _______ for ________" or if I say, we are going for ice cream after dinner.... by God I follow through on it all... good or bad, big or small.
This way I am always consistent. When I say something, they have grown up knowing that I will follow through with it.
My divorce a number of years ago brought us all closer as I had full custody of them and did the single parent thing for a while... even when it was hard to do, I stuck by my word and I think its made a huge difference.
Dont know your whole situation... but really all you can do at this point is to ALWAYS be the cooler head, even if she really pisses you off. Clearly define expectations and consequences and follow through every time. FInd a way, a new way to bond with her, no matter how small. You have to be that rock.
Sometimes kids go off the deep end for a while. From 12-18 I was a worthless piece of bubblegum. I dropped out of school... I drank, smoked, stayed out all night... got in trouble with the law..... did a lot of other things that I never got caught for...... I got lucky in a lot of ways. I was able to get myself together, on my own, stopped acting a fool, went back to school and graduated. ... became a productive member of society.
Kids are nuts, but its going to be okay
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My oldest daughter is 13 and we noticed she gets a severe attitude for two reasons; food and sleep. She is completely unreasonable when she hasn't eaten but doesn't seem to realize she needs to eat at the same time. The brain uses most of the body's energy and if they are low on their food reserves at all, emotions go wild, understanding of explanations and answers to questions drops to zero and it is like talking to a liberal about why guns save lives. Whenever she starts with an attitude I started to ask her when she ate or if she is hungry, now I just tell her to go eat something and she is usually better after 20 to 30 minutes.
Hormones are going crazy as well, but for mine, the main issue is constant nutrition. Explain it to your daughter as well if you think the attitude might be food-related. They won't know why they are being unreasonable, the brain just can't function properly without the right energy stores and teenager's brains need constant food.
Hormones are going crazy as well, but for mine, the main issue is constant nutrition. Explain it to your daughter as well if you think the attitude might be food-related. They won't know why they are being unreasonable, the brain just can't function properly without the right energy stores and teenager's brains need constant food.
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I have 2 oldest almost 50 is a joy The other on we haven't seen in about 20 years. I usually say we have 1 daughter.
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I don't think I can add much to what's already been offered. Some pretty good info in this thread. When my (only) daughter got right around 13 she was also a handful. Made me wonder what I did wrong but she eventually came around. It's just a rite of passage I'd say.
What I will suggest, that I think helped us, is to encourage her bring friends over to the house and get to know them. I think these kids get together and talk about how much their parents make them mad and then feed off each other, but we would have them over for cards, or board games. We also got a couple jet skis and we'd all go to the lake and we'd just hang out and they'd have fun. Maintain discipline, but be the cool parent.
Good Luck! You'll need it.....
What I will suggest, that I think helped us, is to encourage her bring friends over to the house and get to know them. I think these kids get together and talk about how much their parents make them mad and then feed off each other, but we would have them over for cards, or board games. We also got a couple jet skis and we'd all go to the lake and we'd just hang out and they'd have fun. Maintain discipline, but be the cool parent.
Good Luck! You'll need it.....
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Seems like the constant theme is that they're all different. Mine turns 21 next month and has gotten less bearable with each passing year. I'd welcome 13 at this point.
Best of luck with yours.
Best of luck with yours.
^^^^^ Good advice
It has to have consequences, loss of a phone, no friends over, I have threatened to remove the door and that worked pretty well. Make sure you still tell her how much you love her,.... even though she'll prolly just roll her eyes.
Read " Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" by Meg Meeker.
It has to have consequences, loss of a phone, no friends over, I have threatened to remove the door and that worked pretty well. Make sure you still tell her how much you love her,.... even though she'll prolly just roll her eyes.
Read " Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" by Meg Meeker.
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When both of mine hit that age it was like they had been abducted and replaced with evil pod look alikes. They are both in their 30s now and doing fantastic. I thank god everyday that they survived me and I survived them. Hang in there, be patient and loving it will get better.
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I have a 22yo stepdaughter. I married her mother when she was 8. Up to 12-13 we were very close. After that up to 15 it was tolerable. 15-17.9 whew. She moved out at 18.
We did try therapy, but be warned, there are some knuckle heads out there. I'm sure there are good ones but if you ever go that route ask for references from people you trust. There are more people than you'd think going through it.
Even when things get bad, still say, I love you, every day. Even with a hug. Hopefully she'll believe it. Things aren't great but hopefully based on what people say, one day thinds will get better. While she is talented, she is an artist with every cliche that goes with it.
We did try therapy, but be warned, there are some knuckle heads out there. I'm sure there are good ones but if you ever go that route ask for references from people you trust. There are more people than you'd think going through it.
Even when things get bad, still say, I love you, every day. Even with a hug. Hopefully she'll believe it. Things aren't great but hopefully based on what people say, one day thinds will get better. While she is talented, she is an artist with every cliche that goes with it.
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The best advice I can offer is that you take a careful look at what's going on in her life. I taught middle school for a time and at that age, the 'mean girl' syndrome kicks in. Girls may get a bit vicious at that age and bullying from both girls and boys may be a factor. Besides that, there's a lot of hormonal stuff going on too. You might have a trusted female relative talk with her as well.
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She's in sports. Average at that. Has done 4h as we have horses. She's very very very stubborn. Been that way since birth. One thing is we have 4 boys, and that's hard for her. My wife is super laid back. That helps.
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Great.. reading this thread does nothing good for me I have to agree girls are a handful. One day they're your little princess and the next they're slamming doors, stomping away in a tiss, back talking and arguing everything with you.
Good news is you can make em work when they throw a fit. I had 1k rounds of 223 that needed to be removed from factory plastic clips and put into ammo can. Kids are great for that kinda stuff.
I have to agree girls are a handful. One day they're your little princess and the next they're slamming doors, stomping away in a tiss, back talking and arguing everything with you.Good news is you can make em work when they throw a fit. I had 1k rounds of 223 that needed to be removed from factory plastic clips and put into ammo can. Kids are great for that kinda stuff.
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