Raising a daughter

[308]

Just turned 13

LOL...they change big time when the hormones kick in. It will be better when she turns 19 if you're patient don't ride her to hard.

 

[Stomper]

May I suggest you and your wife read the following book...




Don't let the title fool you, it's a legit book and there's a 2.0 volume that also deals with today's "cyber bullying mean-girl" issues of today as well.


Thank GAWD all three of my daughters are adults now!

 

[Stomper]

5, 9, 25, 40, and 47. I'm 72 and my 2nd wife is now in her 40's. I've seen it all.

At yer age.... and you STILL haven't figured out what causes that?!

 

[Lazyfaire]

Dad's have a tendency to be overly protective of their daughters. We want them to be 'perfect', yet when we were growing up we were not. I had views that I wanted to have the type of family that I did not have growing up. I was the one with unreal expectations. Do not put all of your stuff on her right now. Do the simple things with her. Have a daddy-daughter dinner out, go out and throw the ball around, tell her that you love her, that she's pretty, that she's special and that you'll always be there for her.
I always ask myself "Did I do that to my folks when I was growing up?" Usually the answer was "Probably, yes!" Realize that she will change as she grows older and gets her feet back under her and the hormones calm down.
You'll come to realize that you have very little legal ability once they go off to college. The school won't send you her grades, or tell you any of her health issues. So ease up a bit but just be there.

 

[Stomper]

When my daughter was 13 I asked her if she wanted a drivers license when she turns 16. Of course she said yes. I told her she had 3 years to begin earning the money to pay the difference on our insurance. Hardly mentioned it again. But she did it. We had friends that couldn't believe that we made her pay her way. Made me do the bird look (sideways stare) wondering why not. I think that if they earn their money they are less inclined to want to f$$k up their own stuff.

My motto is that if you want to give your kids anything at all, that you give them a work ethic. Hard work, expectations, and earning their own money to spend. I always made her show me 2 quarters every time she went out with friends. Drove her nuts but I was telling her I loved her.

Hell, I could never figure out the older ones, let alone a teenage one!

I'm in my mid 50's, and we raised 3 boys and 3 girls (blended family 3 were mine, 3 were her's so @ZigZagZeke is still the forum bull! LMAO!)

I never bought into the cell phone thing either, I told them they could earn the money to buy their own. Some of them did just that, but it wasn't until their junior/senior year.

After they all graduated HS they had a choice, work your way through community college with a FULL class load (3 classes per term is a full load) and we'll support you with food and shelter (TOTALLY doable with a PT job). For every course that you don't take under that full load it'll cost you $100 a month in rent up to $300/mo if you DON'T take any college courses.

Two of my daughters have Bachelors degrees. The rest paid $300/mo rent for several years and have since moved into their own places. Some of their 23-25 year old friends (BTW- still living in their parent's basements) were incredulous that we made them pay rent ($300/mo for full room & board is almost living for free).

All of my kids are self-supporting, and living on their own... mission accomplished.

 

[nativeo]

I'm raising 3, get them into wrestling/BJJ.

 

[ATCclears]

My daughter is now 24 and doing well. Yup, there were some moments...

I haven't read the entire thread but a sincere suggestion to you, @Oregonhunter5 ... Be steady, solid, reliable as Dad. You want her seeking that in a man as she gets into her 20's and beyond.

A quote from the 2012 movie Ted:
Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!

In my 20's I dated some gals who were fun but..., and looking back a common denominator seemed to be the lack of a solid Dad.

 

[Stomper]

You've been infected with the dreaded TeenDotr-13..... T'aint no power in the 'Verse can cure ya .

You don't cure it.... you both survive it.

 

[Retread]

My daughter was great till puberty. Then she would.ague about everything, not do her chores well, and wanted to dress like a hooker.

At long last I found this advice:

Pick just one (1) battle (doesn't matter which one) and win (in her eyes) at all costs. I picked the dishes after finding dirty silverware and dishes put away.

I made her wash them again and again till they were clean. The last time i pulled out everything and had her start over again. This stated b
About 7 PM and finally ended at 4:30 AM with everything actually sanitary and clean.

There were lots of tears, some yelling, but I stayed the course.

Sometime after she began to respect me and became more obedient. Today she is in her 40s, a volunteer fireman and a teacher, and she loves her daddy.

You gotta love her enough to be a father, not her friend.

Best wishes my young friend.

 

[Stomper]

One other thing.... look in the mirror. Statistically speaking, you're the type of guy she'll (hopefully) probably wind up marrying.

 

[Stomper]

My daughter was great till puberty. Then she would.ague about everything, not do her chores well, and wanted to dress like a hooker.

At long last I found this advice:

Pick just one (1) battle (doesn't matter which one) and win (in her eyes) at all costs. I picked the dishes after finding dirty silverware and dishes put away.

I made her wash them again and again till they were clean. The last time i pulled out everything and had her start over again. This stated b
About 7 PM and finally ended at 4:30 AM with everything actually sanitary and clean.

There were lots of tears, some yelling, but I stayed the course.

Sometime after she began to respect me and became more obedient. Today she is in her 40s, a volunteer fireman and a teacher, and she loves her daddy.

You gotta love her enough to be a father, not her friend.

Best wishes my young friend.

About winning the "dirty dish war".... I found it FAR more effective (and WAY quicker) to make them eat off the dirty dishes/utensils that they perpetrated.... or go hungry until they're clean.

 

[98sporty]

I'm pretty decent at raising boys. Oh I make lots of mistakes. But I'm struggling with the daughter. She is not nice. Maybe 20% of the time she's fine. But good crap I'm worried.

Lol!!!!
Sucks

This was written by my 15 year old and she gave it to me as a framed Christmas gift. I'll share it with you. Maybe on the frustrating days that I know will be on you occasionally, it will help.

"Daddy"

I'll love you no matter what,
even if I'm being a big butt.
You're the only one who knows how to cheer me up when I'm feeling down,
and you're the only one who knows how to lift my frown.
You've been with me through thick and thin,
and if I had you with me I'd do it all over again.
You're the only one who knows how to comfort me.
Thanks for everything, daddy.
I love you and never forget,
even when I'm throwing a fit.
I just thought you should know,
I love you even when I don't show.
I guess I took you for granted daddy,
'cuz some people have dads they can't see.
But I'm so glad,
that you got to be my dad.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

By the next Christmas at 16, she was gone.
She died when she lost control of her car
The pic is she and I in the Spring of that year.
As Warren Zevon said, "Enjoy every sandwich."

 

[DB is Here]

This was written by my 15 year old and she gave it to me as a framed Christmas gift. I'll share it with you. Maybe on the frustrating days that I know will be on you occasionally, it will help.

"Daddy"

I'll love you no matter what,
even if I'm being a big butt.
You're the only one who knows how to cheer me up when I'm feeling down,
and you're the only one who knows how to lift my frown.
You've been with me through thick and thin,
and if I had you with me I'd do it all over again.
You're the only one who knows how to comfort me.
Thanks for everything, daddy.
I love you and never forget,
even when I'm throwing a fit.
I just thought you should know,
I love you even when I don't show.
I guess I took you for granted daddy,
'cuz some people have dads they can't see.
But I'm so glad,
that you got to be my dad.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

By the next Christmas at 16, she was gone.
She died when she lost control of her car
The pic is she and I in the Spring of that year.
As Warren Zevon said, "Enjoy every sandwich."

View attachment 681437

Very heart touching. Thank you for sharing this. So sorry for your loss Good SIr.

 

[Andy54Hawken]

There is no magic answer here.

Vary your approach , to see what works the best with her...keep in mind that what works today , may not work tomorrow.

Use phrases like :
When this happens I feel like....
Is this what you intended to have happen...
When this happens , this is the result....
That can't happen because....but if this changes....

As opposed to :
Why do you do that....
You are______
No...*
Blaming....
You always....

Clearly , but concisely explain your expectations....as well as what happens if they are not met.
Explain your reasoning behind your expectations....

When she is doing well ....just take her out someplace that she likes....or reward her with something that she likes or enjoys doing...

Avoid overbearing punishments...they can lead to hopelessness and a F it attitude....

Give her an "out" to a situation....bear in mind that you need to follow through with your end of the deal and the out needs to be something that you can live with....

Work on one issue at a time....avoid lumping in all the issues at once or when in a argument.

Be consistent...

Don't bring up the past or past issues / mistakes when dealing with the issue at at....
Andy
* Nothing wrong with saying No...works best if there is a logical reason for the No....

 

[kenboy]

I had two kids and they were both boys except two.........30 and 28 now and both have one each adoreable granddaughters.

Luckily the wife was the one that would discuss for hours on end why "dad said so".

God is good!

 

[Molly]

That's a good idea! Also my kids don't have cell phones.

I am a woman and have a 26 year old daughter. When my kids were in about 8th grade, we got them cell phones. Guess what? You can track them on it. Girls just get mouthy and crabby at around age 11 or 12. Are there things you both enjoy doing together? Don't retaliate when she barks at you. Think about what might be going on with her. And let her know you love her even when she's nasty. Sometimes, when my daughter was particularly unlikeable, I'd just say "I love you". Worked for my sons too. Sometimes, don't say anything. Hopefully you've set some ground rules for behavior so stick with them. Tell her calmly when her attitude is not ok. Send her to her room but take her door away? In this day and age? (Can anyone say Childrens' Services?) Body image is one of the major issues for girls, so that's just adding fuel to the fire. Take her computer or games, etc. but not her door. Hold on; it's going to be a bumpy ride.

 

[Aero Denezol]

Stepdad to two girls for the last decade. Both now in their early 20's, self-supporting and living on their own. So far no unwanted children, drug or legal problems, so I think Mom and I did okay.

I thought age 13-15 was okay, they were still very much kids then. They would still gather around for movies, candy and popcorn. 16 was when then the hostility started. Horrible mood swings, willfulness, passive-aggressive behavior, disrespect. It's this awful push-pull process where they slowly gain their independence by repeatedly throwing you off. The worst of it is over by 20-21 and then there are remnants for a few years after that.

I think you have to give your kids the tools to become independent. Get them started building credit and saving money early. Make them get a job while they're still home, so they can start building a resume and getting used to the value of a dollar. An angry hormonal kid with no path forward can make for a very unhappy home life.

The most astounding thing to me (as I never had sisters growing up) was the breathtaking vanity and narcissism.. I felt real bad for a lot of the boys that came into our house. They had no leverage with those two girls, at all. I probably could've saved them a few bucks on flowers but nobody listens at that age.

 

[Stomper]

That reminds me... their hair... no matter the style, or the color (of the week)... its the CENTER of their universe!

 

[bbbass]

Slow and steady wins the race....

I had two girls and one boy. Most of my experience was long ago, but some things about kids are basic commonalities due to human biology. The oldest daughter was sharp as a whip when I first met her at 5yrs old (her, not me). She was dominant over the other two, manipulative, and could be a real troublemaker... too smart for her own good. The boy I met at 2yrs old (him, not me). As he grew up, he was pretty mild, and later learned to try to get his way thru using his charm. My natural daughter, the youngest, was shy and retiring, always trying to be invisible and playing dumb so that not much would be expected of her (once I had to tell her to knock it off, she didn't come from dumb people so there was no way she could be dumb). My ex always made the mistake of praising her for being pretty, something she was born with and didn't earn, never encouraging her to use her intellect. Big mistake that caused my youngest daughter to be an underachiever until about 30.

The oldest daughter started trying to dominate her mom and I at age 11. She wouldn't do anything at all to keep her room picked up, even clean clothes. By the time she was t3 it was full on war. No punishment or restriction would ever work since she was willing to suffer, to do whatever it took, in order to win. She wound up in Juvi after she threatened to kill us in our sleep and then burn the house down with the other kids in it.

The boy had food allergies... Anything sugary caused him to lose his sch!t at school... full blown ADHD. Then later he turned into a slacker, really really trying to get thru life on charm only and living like a slob and being rejected by girls that wanted a better man. My new wife didn't want him to live with us. The old wife was too smart for her own good, and too weak to be steady with the kids.

My youngest daughter went boy crazy at age 11. She was never nasty, but didn't do well with my ex and her constantly changing boyfriends.

My take away, and esp from watching friends and distant family, is that power struggles really don't work, Esp between the girls and the mom. But either really, think of it like a wolf pack, they need a strong alpha and beta... when the leadership is weak or unsteady, the younger wolves will try to be their own leaders and it doesn't work very well.

If you can, ignore much of the beotchy/nasty stuff. It will pass. When it gets really out of hand, let her know she has hurt and disappointed you, then apply whatever consequences you have set down previously. Often kids need to share in deciding the consequence or have choices... depends on the kid, sometimes not.

Be a parent first and always, they have friends, they need a parent. You can be her friend again later.

My kids "thought" I was useless, and hated me from 13-24, then it was all love and mutual respect. Esp once they had kids of their own.

Bear with it... this too shall pass!!! ♥♥♥

 

[VancMike]

Raised two daughters, when they each turned 13, I started looking for convents in, say, Switzerland. Now that they both have produced grandkids, the chickens have returned to the roost. Time is a great revenge!