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How may of us are preparing to die alone?
- Thread Starter Captain O
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I hope to die doing something fun like climbing a mountain when I'm 80 or at least on my feet protecting myself or someone else from harm but NOT in an old folks home with a wet diaper.. In the end we all die alone. I just hope it's on my terms and not some snot nosed punks...
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Alone or with friends as long as there's a warm pile of brass near by I'm good with that.
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It depends on what you mean by "alone".
I take the inference to mean not having anyone who cares and not the physical proximity of some other person.
I hope that I don't die "alone" because that would mean that my child died before I did. My biggest worry is that this would happen - and it isn't some hypothetical worst case scenario; my child has a life threatening medical condition for which there is no cure. I do not want to see my child die, I want my child to outlive me. I worry much less about dying than I do about my child dying. Secondary to that would be the effect my death has on my child.
Past that, I have lost four family members in the past year - my mother, then a niece (who left behind 7 kids), then an aunt and then an uncle-in-law (cousins lost their mom and dad a few weeks apart). Half of them died physically alone unexpectedly - but they had family who cared.
I have an ex-wife - out there somewhere, maybe (if she is still alive) living on the street homeless (due to drug abuse and mental illness) because she refuses any real help. I feel bad that she will probably die alone, but there is nothing I can do for her (I have tried - repeatedly).
I currently have family that cares about me - but I could theoretically outlive most or all of my close family. My parent's generation is mostly gone and I expect the rest to be gone in the next couple of years with maybe one exception.
So yes, I could maybe die alone. But I don't prepare for that. If it happens that I outlive my close family then I will be beyond caring how I die except to not die in some nursing home as a veg., strapped into a chair being hand or tube fed. I've seen that happen to one relative I cared a lot about and I don't want to go that way. I would just as soon someone found me collapsed in my forest.
I take the inference to mean not having anyone who cares and not the physical proximity of some other person.
I hope that I don't die "alone" because that would mean that my child died before I did. My biggest worry is that this would happen - and it isn't some hypothetical worst case scenario; my child has a life threatening medical condition for which there is no cure. I do not want to see my child die, I want my child to outlive me. I worry much less about dying than I do about my child dying. Secondary to that would be the effect my death has on my child.
Past that, I have lost four family members in the past year - my mother, then a niece (who left behind 7 kids), then an aunt and then an uncle-in-law (cousins lost their mom and dad a few weeks apart). Half of them died physically alone unexpectedly - but they had family who cared.
I have an ex-wife - out there somewhere, maybe (if she is still alive) living on the street homeless (due to drug abuse and mental illness) because she refuses any real help. I feel bad that she will probably die alone, but there is nothing I can do for her (I have tried - repeatedly).
I currently have family that cares about me - but I could theoretically outlive most or all of my close family. My parent's generation is mostly gone and I expect the rest to be gone in the next couple of years with maybe one exception.
So yes, I could maybe die alone. But I don't prepare for that. If it happens that I outlive my close family then I will be beyond caring how I die except to not die in some nursing home as a veg., strapped into a chair being hand or tube fed. I've seen that happen to one relative I cared a lot about and I don't want to go that way. I would just as soon someone found me collapsed in my forest.
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Would you PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! Get some mental help. And or medication!
You have a lot of ''Red Flag'' posts. And I don't want to see you hurt yourself.
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My response is not intended to be directed at the OP, but to give my thoughts on the subject of being alone in general, particularly at our life's end.
I have no intentional plans to die alone in that I have no idea when, where or how I'm going to die. If I died right this moment, I'd be technically alone because my wife and daughter are asleep in their rooms. Maybe that's a technicality, but still, I would be alone, with no one there to hold my hand, etc. as I passed on.
Honestly I know a number of folks that have died alone, and whether or not that's a bad thing depends on the person. Being alone is often a choice. I have a good friend that committed suicide 4 years ago and died alone, a young man, with a family, but one that had suffered for years with mental health issues.
But back to me. I don't feel I'd be alone no matter how I die. Since the topic is death, it's not possible to avoid any religious implications for those of us that have a belief in such things. I believe my death will only be a new beginning, where the idea of being alone will forever be gone. I find comfort in what death will bring, though I have no desire to get there anytime soon. But having that belief brings me great peace, something I'm thankful for. I am one that has hope in the afterlife, though I know many don't share the same bright outlook, and that will affect the view of life and death for each person differently.
There are ways not to be alone, but those ways may involve making different choices, and some folks are more content to stay the course rather than make a change that could bring people closer to them, which involves taking the risk that getting close to someone could bring pain. I know people that would rather just be alone than connect with other people again. I really don't think it has to be that way, but connecting can be difficult if you're not an outgoing person or if you're not inclined to allow others to get close again for fear of the pain that the loss of others can bring. But being alone is pain in and of itself, for me, I'd rather risk the pain of connecting with others than to be completely out of touch, completely alone, but again, that's just me.
But who knows where I'll be in 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now. My FIL's cousin is 93 this year and lives alone, quite content. She has no religious belief but has peace in her situation. In her case, her choice is to be alone. Yes, she does gather with our family from time to time, but it's enough for her, she'd rather be alone. And, up until 6 months ago, she lived completely on her own, in her own apartment. We only this year moved her into an assisted living facility where the only help she gets is with meals. She really doesn't mix with other residents, again, by choice, but there are a lot of options for her to connect with others, if she ever chooses to do so.
I guess in the end, if I have a choice, I will choose not to be alone when I die. I will find a way to keep people around me, if not as close as family, at least having friends or companions around from time to time. I enjoy being alone, but I know it's important to have human companionship from time to time, so I'd choose to find a way to make that happen, at a senior center, church or other place where I can get around other people. My plans for my older years, assuming my health allows, include making myself useful in helping others, some kind of volunteering activities where I can try to help other people's lives be a little brighter.
I have no intentional plans to die alone in that I have no idea when, where or how I'm going to die. If I died right this moment, I'd be technically alone because my wife and daughter are asleep in their rooms. Maybe that's a technicality, but still, I would be alone, with no one there to hold my hand, etc. as I passed on.
Honestly I know a number of folks that have died alone, and whether or not that's a bad thing depends on the person. Being alone is often a choice. I have a good friend that committed suicide 4 years ago and died alone, a young man, with a family, but one that had suffered for years with mental health issues.
But back to me. I don't feel I'd be alone no matter how I die. Since the topic is death, it's not possible to avoid any religious implications for those of us that have a belief in such things. I believe my death will only be a new beginning, where the idea of being alone will forever be gone. I find comfort in what death will bring, though I have no desire to get there anytime soon. But having that belief brings me great peace, something I'm thankful for. I am one that has hope in the afterlife, though I know many don't share the same bright outlook, and that will affect the view of life and death for each person differently.
There are ways not to be alone, but those ways may involve making different choices, and some folks are more content to stay the course rather than make a change that could bring people closer to them, which involves taking the risk that getting close to someone could bring pain. I know people that would rather just be alone than connect with other people again. I really don't think it has to be that way, but connecting can be difficult if you're not an outgoing person or if you're not inclined to allow others to get close again for fear of the pain that the loss of others can bring. But being alone is pain in and of itself, for me, I'd rather risk the pain of connecting with others than to be completely out of touch, completely alone, but again, that's just me.
But who knows where I'll be in 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now. My FIL's cousin is 93 this year and lives alone, quite content. She has no religious belief but has peace in her situation. In her case, her choice is to be alone. Yes, she does gather with our family from time to time, but it's enough for her, she'd rather be alone. And, up until 6 months ago, she lived completely on her own, in her own apartment. We only this year moved her into an assisted living facility where the only help she gets is with meals. She really doesn't mix with other residents, again, by choice, but there are a lot of options for her to connect with others, if she ever chooses to do so.
I guess in the end, if I have a choice, I will choose not to be alone when I die. I will find a way to keep people around me, if not as close as family, at least having friends or companions around from time to time. I enjoy being alone, but I know it's important to have human companionship from time to time, so I'd choose to find a way to make that happen, at a senior center, church or other place where I can get around other people. My plans for my older years, assuming my health allows, include making myself useful in helping others, some kind of volunteering activities where I can try to help other people's lives be a little brighter.
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TBH I don't think about it much. At 20 I gave my life to Christ, I'm far from a perfect Christian and I still sin daily. That said life is about living and I'll live until I die. I don't fear death, but I choose life and life with family & friends.
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Would you PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! Got some mental help. And or medication!
I don't think that a person who chooses to be more or less by themselves has mental health problems. Nor is a person who has accepted the fact that they may never have someone in their lives in a companionship role.
While I have family and some friends, I am single (divorced), I live alone and spend most of my life alone (not counting interfacing with people on the internet or at work). I see family (outside of my child) occasionally - unfortunately that is getting to be less and less as we are spread out up and down the west coast and each have our own closer family, the only time I am seeing them is no longer at Xmas/Thanksgiving at the farm, and now only at funerals.
It took me a while after my divorce, to learn to live by myself, on my own terms. While I would like to have someone to share my life with - if they were compatible - I am comfortable, maybe even somewhat content with living by myself. I am certainly happier now than when I was in conflict with my ex-wife. It took a few decades to get here, but I understand why I am the way I am (border line Aspergers).
I think it is healthier - usually - to have a realistic view of one's future, not to struggle to be someone/something one is not. To not have fantasies about finding the perfect mate anymore when one actually is less and less likely to find that person. Doesn't mean I don't keep my eyes open, but I am not going to go speed dating, trying to hookup with a "Russian bride" or anything like that.
Just because someone sees their future clearly doesn't mean they need "help" or medication. I think that view is maybe part of the problem with our world today - insisting that everyone have a view of their future as a rose garden and not have a grasp on the actual reality of their life.
YMMV
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I here you.
I'm just reading the tea leaves. And don't want Captain O to hurt himself or suffer.
In this world. I see most either ''Get busy living. Or get busy dyeing''.
Everyone dies alone.
As to what happens when you are still alive, I too have few friends, and most of those are through my wife or her family. I guess to have others around who care for you, you have to care for others. That means getting out where others are, or helping in some voluntary project. I am trying to move to be in town just to make that more viable than where I am now.
I figure the world belongs to the young, but that does not mean old farts have nothing to contribute. We just have to find some way to be useful to them.
As to what happens when you are still alive, I too have few friends, and most of those are through my wife or her family. I guess to have others around who care for you, you have to care for others. That means getting out where others are, or helping in some voluntary project. I am trying to move to be in town just to make that more viable than where I am now.
I figure the world belongs to the young, but that does not mean old farts have nothing to contribute. We just have to find some way to be useful to them.
That's one way of looking at it, the other way is to see it as concern for a fellow forum member. I agree with @Medic! on this one because I've been thinking along those line myself. Depression is a real problem - I've seen several people lost due to depression myself, it's unpleasant and it can be stopped. There are indicators and Medic! is simply stating he sees some of those in the postings here and elsewhere. Having enough concern for someone that may be having trouble seems a better choice than to remain silent.
Here is an interesting article on depression in older folks: Depression In Older Adults: More Facts
Would you PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! Got some mental help. And or medication!
You have a lot of ''Red Flag'' posts. And I don't want to see you hurt yourself.
I was thinking the exact same thing but trying to figure out a way to say it without saying it.
The limbic system does not respond to words or advice. If it did, then those of us with past trauma could simply say oh, thanks for the advice...I'll do that and be all better now.Would you PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! Got some mental help. And or medication!
You have a lot of ''Red Flag'' posts. And I don't want to see you hurt yourself.
Sadly us humans will continue anesthetizing out internal pain thru various coping mechanisms rather than deal with the pain head on. This usually because we have no idea how to change.
This truly is a deep down heart issue, and that is where the words of Christ come into play. "Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"...(Matt 11:28) ...and as Paul wrote: "therefore, if anyone is in Christ,the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"...(2-Corr 5:17)
God is the owner of our souls and he cares for us individually..the Bible is clear on this.
The issue is we as humans aren't all that good at making the right choice because the right choice is usually the hardest choice, and it is not until the pain of doing what we do becomes to painful to continue, and we cry out to our Creator for help.
Some never get there. It's our own choice to make.
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When a person gets to be older (I am 62 - two years older than Carrie Fischer) and then starts seeing their parent's generation dying off, and sees people their own age keeling over as well, they start thinking about their own mortality and the circumstances surrounding it.
I don't think that is necessarily unhealthy - as I said, it is the reality of life - and I think it is healthier to have the best grasp of reality we can find.
My father, despite his religious beliefs, seemed afraid of dying, to the point of denial, even before he was diagnosed with terminal cancer - it took some cajoling by my mother for him to make preparations to that end, and much of it she did herself. I held his hand as he died - I wanted to be there for him, even though I am not sure he knew anybody was there.
I don't know the OP so I can't say one way or the other whether this was a post to be concerned about - I usually tend to take posts at face value and try not to read anything into them.
In the end, if there is anything in this world we own, it is our own life and ultimately death. We have the right to determine all aspects of both without interference by anybody else.
I don't think that is necessarily unhealthy - as I said, it is the reality of life - and I think it is healthier to have the best grasp of reality we can find.
My father, despite his religious beliefs, seemed afraid of dying, to the point of denial, even before he was diagnosed with terminal cancer - it took some cajoling by my mother for him to make preparations to that end, and much of it she did herself. I held his hand as he died - I wanted to be there for him, even though I am not sure he knew anybody was there.
I don't know the OP so I can't say one way or the other whether this was a post to be concerned about - I usually tend to take posts at face value and try not to read anything into them.
In the end, if there is anything in this world we own, it is our own life and ultimately death. We have the right to determine all aspects of both without interference by anybody else.
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I prefer to think of how I live knowing well that some day I will die. I have no children and if I out live my wife I stand a very good chance of dieing alone. I am not going to dwell on something I may have so little control over. If I am a lucky man I will die of old age in my sleep. I will know when I have grown too old and that is when I can no longer have a dog. Till that fateful day I prefer to think of living. There are no gurantees.
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Just facing reality, kids. When you see your entire family die alone and spend well over 98% of your time isolated from others (due to being single and having a particular distaste for the today's Socialist/Leftist leanings) one tends to remove themselves from the irritation of said influences. You have plenty of time to wonder about it. Celebrities that are younger than yourself are passing away, looking old before their time. The Holiday season(s) come and go without much thought. Time keeps sliding by.
Most of society's "social circles" revolve around the extreme element in our world and I'm not ready to sit down and die. My faith prohibits me from joining the Elks and other such organizations and my current financial situation doesn't allow for much going out.
Most of my fellow veteran's are in their late 60's and many are in their 70's. I am still in decent physical condition and not ready to hang around the "senior center" listening to stories of days gone by and watch people running around in light brown Velcro shoes putting together picture puzzles and chatting about grandchildren (of which I have none). These things don't lend themselves to much "glad handing".
You can only watch so much of the tube and the computer. Walking 1 1/4 miles to the library in the rain and cold isn't enjoyable and I have no interest in televised sports. There's plenty of time for contemplation.
Facing reality is just that... nothing more.
Most of society's "social circles" revolve around the extreme element in our world and I'm not ready to sit down and die. My faith prohibits me from joining the Elks and other such organizations and my current financial situation doesn't allow for much going out.
Most of my fellow veteran's are in their late 60's and many are in their 70's. I am still in decent physical condition and not ready to hang around the "senior center" listening to stories of days gone by and watch people running around in light brown Velcro shoes putting together picture puzzles and chatting about grandchildren (of which I have none). These things don't lend themselves to much "glad handing".
You can only watch so much of the tube and the computer. Walking 1 1/4 miles to the library in the rain and cold isn't enjoyable and I have no interest in televised sports. There's plenty of time for contemplation.
Facing reality is just that... nothing more.
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I'm going to live to be 100 (baring an untimely demise), I know I'll outlive my wife and chances are I'll outlive at LEAST half of my six children. When I do finally die (if the Lord tarries) my final act of defiance will be flipping the bird to the Devil, and in the next life (administration) I'll be looking to get some PAYBACK from top to bottom!!
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