Diary of a Southerner

December 8: 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the first we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I'm so glad we moved here. I love the snow!

December 9 We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I Shoveled snow for the first time in my life and loved it. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. Later, a snowplow came along and accidentally covered up the driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver waved and smiled. I waved back and shoveled again.

December 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to 11 degrees. Several tree limbs have snapped from the snow. I shoveled the drive again. Afterwards, the snowplow came again. Now the snow is brownish-gray.

December 14 It warmed enough today to cause slush which froze again when the temperature dropped. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my a$$ in the driveway, $145.00 to chiropractor. Nothing broken. More snow.

December 15 Still cold as hell. Sold the wife's car. Bought a 4x4 to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway with considerable damage. Another 8 inches of snow last night. Both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shoveling for me. The *** da** snowplow came twice today.

December 16 It's 8 ***king degrees outside. More ***king snow. Not a tree on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the ***king house down. Managed to put out the flames but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands plus lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room, and totaled it.

December 20 Had another 14" of the da** stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. *** da** snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Neighbor says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 13 more inches of the white sh** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire neighbor who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23 More mother ***king *** da** white sh** keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the ****ing mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bi*** who drives the ***king snowplow, I'll tear open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner till after I've shoveled. Power is still off. Toilet froze.

<December 24 6" of snow. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the da** shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. I know the snow plow driver hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the *** da** snowplow.

December 25 Merry Friggin Christmas. 20 more inches of the friggin slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Sh** I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26 Still snowed in. Why the fu** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28 Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BIT** is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 10 more inches. Neighbor says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does that bast*** think I am?

December 30 Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 HAPPY FRIGGIN NEW YEAR. Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. Wind chill is 22 below. Screw this sh**. I’m moving back to anywhere in the South

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