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How to be Annoying

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by markw76, Jun 21, 2009.

  1. markw76

    markw76 Portland/Moscow on the Willamette Member

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    * Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
    * Drum on every available surface.
    * Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
    * Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
    * Staple papers in the middle of the page.
    * Ask 800 operators for dates.
    * Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
    * Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
    * Hide dairy products or seafood in inaccessible places.
    * Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
    * Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
    * Set alarms for random times.
    * Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
    * Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
    * Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
    * Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
    * Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
    * Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
    * Honk and wave to strangers.
    * Dress only in clothes colored Blaze Orange.
    * Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
    * Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
    * Wear your pants backwards.
    * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
    * Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
    * Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
    * Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
    * only type in lowercase.
    * dont use any punctuation either
    * Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
    * Pay for your dinner with pennies.
    * Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
    * Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
    * Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
    * Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
    * Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
    "Do you hear that?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
    * Light road flares on a birthday cake.
    * Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
    * Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
    * Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
    * Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
    * At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
    * When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
    * Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
    * As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
    * Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
    * Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
    * Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
    * Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
    * Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
    * Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
    * Drive half a block.
    * Name your dog "Dog".
    * Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
    * Ask people what gender they are.
    * Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
    * Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
    * Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
    * Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
    * Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
    * Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
    * Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
    * While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
    * Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
    * Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
    * Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
    * Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
    * Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
    * Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
    * Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
    * Wear a LOT of cologne.
    * Ask to "interface" with someone.
    * Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
    * Sing along at the opera.
    * Mow your lawn with scissors.
    * At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
    * Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
    * Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
    * Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
    * Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
    * Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
    * Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
    * Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
    * Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
    * Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
    * Never make eye contact.
    * Never break eye contact.
    * Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
    * Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
    * Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
    * Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
    * Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
    * Make appointments for the 31st of September.
    * Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
    * Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
  2. jordanvraptor

    jordanvraptor Oregon City, Oregon Well-Known Member

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    Don't forget- Eat refried beans then spend the day riding the elevators at city hall.
  3. markw76

    markw76 Portland/Moscow on the Willamette Member

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    With onions and Cauliflower!
  4. Diamondback

    Diamondback A cold, wet green Hell Well-Known Member

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    That's not "annoying", that's "Weapons of Mass Destruction", even worse than my garlic-overdose gas... :laugh:
  5. tionico

    tionico Thurston County Well-Known Member

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    Have a care, lads, someone will either find or invent a new planet, and ship off the lot of you to it. Then your abysmal behaviour will no longer by aberrant but normal, as you lot will all be doing the same.

    Makes me remember a VERY STRANGE chap I knew years back... he loved doing strange things in public. Almost got us hauled off to the Greybar Hotel one afternoon. We were browsing through a rather largish tropical fish store, looking at the various fish in the tanks. After staring as if transfixed at one of the tanks, in a very loud "stage whisper" he announced "fish are FAR OUT to watch when you're STONED". Two young Mums snatched their children and left the store posthaste, the floor clerk began to "stalk" us, making as if to do something, anything, and one other customer put a very odd countenance up his face..... I suspect trying to discern whether my "friend" was stoned at the time, and whether he oughtn't ring up the local bobs.

    Another time we were at the grocer's, checking out, he had put down a purchase of a few dollars and tendered a twenty dollar bill. The clerk made change, of course including a ten. He took up the ten, inspected it against the light, and announced "oh good, I was needing to buy another lid, now here's to pay for it".

    One never knew what sort of calamity he mightn't try to stir up. Funny thing, he never did anything like that unless he was absolutely straight-up sober, and totally clean. He had an uncanny way of leaving chaos in his wake.
  6. Descendant

    Descendant Eugene, Oregon Member

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    Thank you markw76! Ha! LOL
  7. markw76

    markw76 Portland/Moscow on the Willamette Member

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    Gawd, I think I single-handedly cleared out McMeniman's tonight and all I had today was a PBJ sandwich...and the wife was sitting next to me. Good thing she doesn't CCW, she'd-a killed me.:fart2::club::help:
  8. eldbillbo

    eldbillbo clackamas New world samurai and a redneck none the less Bronze Supporter

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    What you do is let one like that rip then blame it on her