Not a joke. I want help understanding. Those bobbly things on their heads -- you know, the balls with the springs -- what are they for? Are Martians all the same color green? Are the dark green ones icky? Do some... you know ... "do it" differently? Come to think of it, do they do it at all? Do you think they might do it with me if I lay out my credentials to them? You know the credentials I mean. I use them everywhere, and they always work. I heard that some "psychologists" can convert Martians into Earthlings by their incredible powers of persuasion. Apparently 98 percent of all Martians feel as though they were abused as little Marshmallows and were really just normal Earthlings struggling to get out. Then a "psychologist" snaps his fingers and turns Martians into Earthlings. Is that true? I read a Dan Workedup column on Examiner.com about that. I have an embarrassingly small ray gun. Does the size of my ray gun matter? Or is it more the motion that counts? If a Martian and an Earthling want to have a child, can they conceive without really enjoying it? Or would they, you know, really have be into it for it to work? I'm kinda desperate, so I don't need the Martian to like it all that much. Don't you think all Martians secretly want to do it with Earthlings, but most are just too ugly to try? Except for the smoking hot Martian in my office. What's wrong with her? She rolls her eyes every time I come onto her. Sicko psycho Earthling-hater. After I got laid off from my used car gig, I sold used RVs, and the Martians used to come in there all the time. Martians LOVE RV's. Something about the privacy. Anyway, I'd be Mr. Handsome, chilling with the ladies, combing my hair, spraying Binaca in my mouth, showing them the RV beds all smooth like in my plaid sport coat, and suddenly they'd be all disgusted and just leave. My conclusion: The Earthling-hater in them comes out eventually every time. What if there are two Martians -- one is aggressive and has yellow hair, and one is passive and has purple hair -- OK for me to go into a Martian bar and hit on the one with purple hair? Do you think it will do me? The purple hair means she really wants to be an Earthling, right? Probably is just waiting for me to drag her off and make sweet Earthling love to her? I read that on the internet. What else should I be wondering about?