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I want to talk to a Martian

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by AlphaCoyote, Oct 8, 2012.

  1. AlphaCoyote

    AlphaCoyote Oh, I get around. New Member

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    Not a joke. I want help understanding.

    Those bobbly things on their heads -- you know, the balls with the springs -- what are they for?

    Are Martians all the same color green? Are the dark green ones icky?

    Do some... you know ... "do it" differently? Come to think of it, do they do it at all? Do you think they might do it with me if I lay out my credentials to them? You know the credentials I mean. I use them everywhere, and they always work.

    I heard that some "psychologists" can convert Martians into Earthlings by their incredible powers of persuasion. Apparently 98 percent of all Martians feel as though they were abused as little Marshmallows and were really just normal Earthlings struggling to get out. Then a "psychologist" snaps his fingers and turns Martians into Earthlings. Is that true? I read a Dan Workedup column on Examiner.com about that.

    I have an embarrassingly small ray gun. Does the size of my ray gun matter? Or is it more the motion that counts?

    If a Martian and an Earthling want to have a child, can they conceive without really enjoying it? Or would they, you know, really have be into it for it to work? I'm kinda desperate, so I don't need the Martian to like it all that much.

    Don't you think all Martians secretly want to do it with Earthlings, but most are just too ugly to try? Except for the smoking hot Martian in my office. What's wrong with her? She rolls her eyes every time I come onto her. Sicko psycho Earthling-hater.

    After I got laid off from my used car gig, I sold used RVs, and the Martians used to come in there all the time. Martians LOVE RV's. Something about the privacy. Anyway, I'd be Mr. Handsome, chilling with the ladies, combing my hair, spraying Binaca in my mouth, showing them the RV beds all smooth like in my plaid sport coat, and suddenly they'd be all disgusted and just leave. My conclusion: The Earthling-hater in them comes out eventually every time.

    What if there are two Martians -- one is aggressive and has yellow hair, and one is passive and has purple hair -- OK for me to go into a Martian bar and hit on the one with purple hair? Do you think it will do me? The purple hair means she really wants to be an Earthling, right? Probably is just waiting for me to drag her off and make sweet Earthling love to her? I read that on the internet.

    What else should I be wondering about?
  2. Vicarious Cynic

    Vicarious Cynic Eugene,OR New Member

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    For a really interesting conversation you should talk to a libertarbian Martian. That will blow your mind!
  3. MrNiceGuy

    MrNiceGuy between springfield and shelbyville Well-Known Member

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  4. jeepseth

    jeepseth Camas Washington Member

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    They know the best ways to conceal carry the irrudium Q13 space modulator!
  5. michaels

    michaels oregon Active Member

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    Look, I am one hundred percent, completely earthling.

    I help martians turn earthling.

    I do think about martians all the time, and I look at pictures of martian on martian sex.

    But just in a clinical way.

    I am one hundred percent earthling.

    I'm just trying to help martians.

    I try to understand them by talking with the vulnerable ones whom I have control over.

    Sometimes I act martian with them, but its just to help them turn earthling.

    I turn them earthling by using the words of this super cool guy who died a long time ago.

    Well, I just say what I want, and I attribute the words to that guy.

    Still one byundred percent earthling.

    If you want to see some of the depraved martian on martian sex acts, just email me.

    I have a huge collection of photos and videos.

    Because of my clinical practice. That's all. I'm 100% earthling. Even when I'm obsessed with martians.
  6. giddyupgo55

    giddyupgo55 Vernonia Active Member

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    :dinner:Have you been talking to my family ?
  7. Greenbug

    Greenbug Bend Well-Known Member

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    I don't know if it is a first, but it's the first "Internet Thread Parody" I've ever read. Thanks for the laugh, I needed that!:laugh:
  8. pokerace

    pokerace Newberg Well-Known Member

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    What makes you think we want to talk to you earthling.
  9. Sincere

    Sincere Between Cascadia and Jefferson Active Member

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    I don't know if this is right or wrong, but I think all these Earthlings have been CHOOSING to go martian because of "alienism".

    This plague of "alienism", that gave martians the right to vote and not be legally raped by their earthling husbands, is making all these Earthlings think that it is acceptable to act like a Martian.

    Plus, have you ever noticed how a Martian will stop being from Mars just to sleep with an Earthling for his child but then jump right back into bed with Martians? I've seen or heard of this happening once or twice so it must happen ALL THE TIME!

    Not to mention all the college-aged Earthlings who think it's cool to pretend to be a Martian for a few years. Obviously this means that every Martian ever has been faking it and must really be from Earth right? I mean amirite?
  10. AlphaCoyote

    AlphaCoyote Oh, I get around. New Member

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    I'm 100% Earthling with 11 grand-earthlingettes.

    But could I get some of those martian sex links? No joke. I really just want to understand.

    By the way, I was meditating on Ray Bradbury's, The Martian Chronicles, chapter 4, lines 8-12, and it's pretty clear (if you have my unique power of discernment) that being a Martian is wrong.

    That made me think of a class I took on Martian Culture in college. I was completely obnoxious, and they all reacted badly to that. So I know all about Martians. My obvious conclusion: All Martians irrationally hate all Earthlings.

    Still, about those links... If you don't mind.

  11. drew

    drew OR Well-Known Member

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    :laugh::laugh:Well done.
  12. dmancornell

    dmancornell Portland, OR New Member

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  13. Redcap

    Redcap Lewis County, WA Well-Known Member

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  14. 4Freedom

    4Freedom Boise, Idaho Well-Known Member

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    Are you racist? Do you have something against humans? People from Earth?? Why do you need to associated with extraterrestrial life.. Seriously, open your eyes and see what is around you..

    Ok, let me tell you about a time in my Extraterrestrial Studies class about the time I was reprimanded by our alien instructor. BTW, they don't like being referred to as a Martian. They consider that racist!! They are not all from Mars.. They were attacking me because of the texture of my skin and shape of my eyes. Just because I don't have a blue body with big yellow eyes. Then I had to hear one of these disgusting creatures going on and on about humans do this and humans do that.. We stole their world and try to rape it of all the resources..

  15. gehrheart

    gehrheart fidalgo island Well-Known Member

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    Well played sir, well played.
  16. Nightshade

    Nightshade vancouver,WA Well-Known Member

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    what??? Martian's have green ball's Good lord
  17. teflon97239

    teflon97239 Portland, OR Well-Known Member

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    A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices some interesting looking green creatures at a table nearby and asks the bartender to set them up, too.

    The barkeep snorts and says "Don't waste your time pal. They're martians."

    Clueless, the guy asks "Martians? What's that supposed to mean?"

    The bartender chuckles, pours a round and says "Well maybe you should ask them."

    So the guy sits down with the martians and says "I hear you're martians. Tell me about that, I'm curious."

    The most talkative martian leans close and expains exactly what martians like, and what martians don't like. No detail is spared, and the guy gets a pretty graphic idea about what the martians dig.

    Having heard enough, he shouts "Hey bartender, how about another round for us martians over here!"