Taking care of my dad

[Kf338]

I've had to step up my game. He depends on me quite a bit but that's OK are.I fell in love with a woman a 2 years ago been trying to get her to come my way and I think it's working but I got a problem my dad doesn't live by himself and he depends on me so I don't do a lot of things anymore suck being at a crossroad. Can I have chose the right direction is to take care of my dad . But my heart hurts I love this woman but it looks like I will just need to move on and be there for my dad because I love my dad.

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[westcoastal]

if she's right she'll understand, if not, best to know early on .
cheers looking after your pops mad respect

 

[User 1234]

I agree, if she doesn't want to or can't accommodate you helping your elderly father (setting aside her potential assistance to you) then that is not the person for you. My wife and I both support each other's inevitable future obligations to care for our parents.

 

[slimmer13]

Yeah, I wouldn't want to mess with a woman that would want me to abandon or neglect my family.

 

[ZA_Survivalist]

Id choose family over the chemical response known as "love" with a female. You only get one family. Once they are gone the regret of not having tried as hard as you could have is really tough.

As for females, its a vast world. There is always another. With respect to the OP, Female "one-itis" ruins good men and distracts them from obligations and tasks at hand. Depending on his health, a fair middle ground can be found giving you free time but also honoring your duty to him as a son as you DO need your own time.

However, I take family stuff quite seriously and Ill ditch a woman in a heartbeat if she tries to get in the way of my duties and obligation as a son. Ive let a few women keep me away from my family, missing precious, finite time I had with them.
YMMV.. but again.. you only get one family.. once they are gone, its better to live on without regrets knowing you were there and helped. Instead of taking time away over the pursuits of a female.. since another relationship can always be found.

 

[The Heretic]

My adult daughter comes first before any relationship I might have in the future, and any woman I come across will have to respect that.

 

[DirectDrive]

Tough situation.
But there is one way to look at it.

1) You only get one Dad
2) You can find another girlfriend

 

[titsonritz]

Not even close, take care of your dad.

 

[edslhead]

Sounds like one for Dear Abby.

 

[DB is Here]

If this woman was planning to be around for the long haul I'd suspect she'd give a tinker's damn how you take care of those you love...because it could be her needing you later.

Luckily she's showing you how'd she treat you when you need her.

Family first...the end.

 

[teflon6string]

Sorry to hear you're in a spot where you may have to choose Kf338. I've been there too.

My "true love" in Escondido didn't get it when I abandoned a robust DoD career and moved back here to participate/assist in the final 6 months of my father's life (heart failure at 87, circa 2002). Sadness and frustration I can understand (I felt it too), but unkind comments revealed aspects of her character that still make me glad I chose the road I did.

Most important to me is that Pop and I were able to mend some fences when things got real. I would still regret it had I simply opted to stay comfortable where I was. And the GF and I would've eventually split the sheets anyway.

 

[parallax]

If it:
-Flys
-Floats, or
- ****
much cheaper to rent it.

Seriously though, ya you got a tough decision to make. You only have 1 dad, If this girl doesnt understand and be a part of that, she may not be the one. good luck

 

[ilikegunspdx]

I've had to step up my game. He depends on me quite a bit but that's OK are.I fell in love with a woman a 2 years ago been trying to get her to come my way and I think it's working but I got a problem my dad doesn't live by himself and he depends on me so I don't do a lot of things anymore suck being at a crossroad. Can I have chose the right direction is to take care of my dad . But my heart hurts I love this woman but it looks like I will just need to move on and be there for my dad because I love my dad.

Have u researched other options such as having someone come in x hours week? I assume he doesn't need adult foster care/assisted living yet. My advice is think about not just today but for the care he will need down the road. If u want to give that level of care that's great but trust me it can be a gigantic commitment. If you don't want to, the care has to come from some other source such as hiring help, assisted care, etc. Or it can be a combo of your help plus hire out fe. Another thing I would think about is "age in place" vs. having to move him as he needs more care. Many different age in place options exist. Needs are specific to the individual so for me I wouldn't generalize or suggest an option without knowing details. But it is helpful to learn all the many avenues that are available for elder care.

And those thoughts are before taking Covid concerns into account which right now of course is huge. In terms of Covid, a generalization I would say is that smaller, more family like household living conditions are likely less risky than larger facilities such as CCRC, nursing homes, large assisted living places, etc. Adult foster care is limited to a max of 5 residents for example (in OR I mean). Just some stuff to think about. We took care of my Mom and Dad and my mother in law so been there done that.

As far as a relationship, I would find the max # of options so that it doesn't become an either/or thing. IMO it doesn't have to be a "I have to choose one or the other" thing unless one hasn't looked into all the options. Honesty up front about how much a person can tolerate etc. will save tons of trouble down the road. Also having ideas in place for what if it becomes too much etc. That way you go into it with a plan in place for what you will do as he needs more care and not have to figure it out on the fly which could be an overwhleming/intolerable change for some.

There is also the estate planning and financial piece which could take a gazillion pages of discussion by itself.

 

[Ura-Ki]

I'm kind of going through this my self, started almost 4 years ago when my Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer! My Wife and I decided to put everything on hold, sell my business and move back to Oregon (temporarily) so that we could help care for Mom, and ultimately care for Dad now! Dad is at high risk for slips, trips, and falls and other serious health issues, so this is a long term commitment for us. Thankfully, my wife is an absolute saint and has been right here in the middle of everything, and even helping out when ever needed!
I don't think I could have done any of this on my own, not with Dad in such condition!

I wouldn't change a thing in all this, and I have had a great time finally connecting with my Dad who spent 40 years at sea, most of my childhood, and we are having a great time swapping war stories and other guy stuff!

 

[salmon creek gary]

During my dad's last three years, I was already fully retired & able to spend 3 to 6 weeks at a time with him. I alternated between my own family and his place (2000 miles away). I did it for him because he needed me. My wife and son (a disabled vet) also needed me, but they both understood what drove the decision. We made it work. Actually, she made it work, as it was easier on me than on the two of them.

Those were the best of times I ever had with Dad, and even back then I cherished those many weeks with him. I knew I'd made the correct choice.

Fast forward to now, a decade after Dad passed away, and I realize how badly I would feel about myself if I had chosen not to spend that time with him. That is a consequence that hadn't even occurred to me back then, so now I am damn certain I made the correct choice.

Someone else already put it into perspective: you will only ever have one dad, but you can always get another girlfriend.

 

[cigars]

Family comes first. If this woman can't support you in this critical time then she's not the right woman. While it sounds like you have a lot invested in her, it doesn't sound reciprocal. After two years you should have a good idea of where things are.