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New humor thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by pokerace, Mar 18, 2011.

  1. pokerace

    pokerace Newberg Well-Known Member

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    A son asked his mother the following question:

    ' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her
    son and replies:

    ' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure. '

    The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

    ' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '

    The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

    'Son, all household appliances come in white
  2. Jerry

    Jerry Vancouver, WA Well-Known Member

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    A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

    As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

    She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

    She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
  3. Jerry

    Jerry Vancouver, WA Well-Known Member

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    A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

    “Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”

    “What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

    “Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”
  4. marty8587

    marty8587 NE Portland Active Member

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    A man is sitting on the veranda with his wife when he says "I love you". His wife asks " Is that the beer talking" he says "No, it was me talking to the beer".
  5. pokerace

    pokerace Newberg Well-Known Member

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    this I like..
  6. EZLivin

    EZLivin SW of PDX Well-Known Member

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  7. ejmpnu92

    ejmpnu92 Hillsboro, Or Active Member

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    And when he wakes up, he is in the hospital with a frying pan stuck to his head!

    Reminds me of a movie back in the 80's with Danny Devito and everyone drove Yugo's, "Drowning Mona"

    Where the wife says, "You don't love me anymore!"

    The husband looks at his beer and says, "You are right, I don't." thinks for a second then says "No, wait!"

    the screen goes bland and you hear a loud "Clang" as the wife wallops the husband over the head with frying pan!
  8. Starship

    Starship NE Portland Active Member

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    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert
    when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he
    hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand,
    selling ties.

    The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.
    Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

    The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie, I need water, I
    should kill you, but I must find water first! "OK," said the old Jewish man,
    "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
    I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the
    east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

    Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he
    staggered back, almost dead & said,

    "Your freaking brother won't let me in without a tie!"
  9. teflon97239

    teflon97239 Portland, OR Well-Known Member

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    A teenage Amish boy and his father went to a mall for the first time ever, totally amazed by all the strange sights and sounds. They were especially curious about two shiny silver panels on the wall that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

    Having no idea what an elevator was, he responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

    While they stood watching, a remarkably obese old woman was waiting by the doors. They opened and she waddled into a tiny room, disappearing from sight when they closed.

    Even more curious than before, the boy and his father watched a lighted number 1 above the doors flash sequentially... 2... 3... 4... 3... 2.. and 1 again.

    The doors opened up and out strode a stunning blonde bombshell in a miniskirt and heels.

    The father, not taking his eyes off the young beauty, said quietly, "Son..."

    "Yes Father?"

    "Go get your mother."
  10. MarkAd

    MarkAd Port Orchard Well-Known Member

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    There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

    "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

    "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

    "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady had run off with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

    "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you jack-***, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
  11. Buddhalux

    Buddhalux Hillsboro, Oregon Active Member

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    Don't knock those White House staffers, Alex is a goddess!!!
  12. pokerace

    pokerace Newberg Well-Known Member

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    Best blonde joke you'll ever read!

    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

    In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

    Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

    The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

    After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

    She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

    I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

    Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

    After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

    The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

    The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

    She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
  13. DinhRose

    DinhRose Austin, Texas (Ex-Pat of SE PDX) Active Member

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    Walmart has been running radio ads claiming that 70% of their employees started out as hourly employees. Not to be outdone, the DMV and post office will start running ads claming that 100% of the employees started out happy and/or helpful.
  14. pokerace

    pokerace Newberg Well-Known Member

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    Sniffer the DEA Dog

    A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the
    aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
    The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
    the second man explained that he was from the Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a
    'sniffing dog'.
    'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
    The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
    He told Sniffer to 'search'.
    Sniffer jumped down,walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several

    Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
    The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana,
    I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
    Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

    The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he
    laced two paws on the agent's arm.

    The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
    'I like it!' said his seat mate.
    The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
    Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back
    to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the seat.
    The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog
    would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

    The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."
  15. dario541

    dario541 medford, or 97504 Member

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    One year, Bill gave his mother-in-law a burial site for her birthday. The next year he didn't give her anything.
    So she asked him: "What happened, Bill? Did you forget my birthday?"
    "Oh, no," he replied, "but, you didn't even use the one I gave you last year!"
  16. MA Duce

    MA Duce Central Oregon Well-Known Member

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    An Alaskan bush pilot was flying a group of hunters into the wilds when they encountered freezing rain. Despite his best attempts the plane went down in the heavy timber. After weeks of foraging and hacking their way through the woods they came to a broad swift river. Across the raging torrent they saw a blonde fishing from a large boulder. The pilot cupped his hands and yelled. "HEY HOW DO WE GET TO THE OTHER SIDE????" The blonde looked at the group for a moment, then yelled back: "YOU'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE"
  17. sig40shooter

    sig40shooter Tahuya WA Member

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    A man sitting at a bar enjoying his drink looks out the window just in time to see another man fall past it and hit the ground. Fearing the man had fallen off the roof he ran out the door to see if he was alright. To his suprise the man who had fallen was standing up dusting himself off. Upon asking the man if he was ok the man replied "I am thanks to this magic whiskey" showing him a half empty bottle. "Do explain" said the first man. "I will show you" said the second man. "Follow me to the roof" Once on the roof the man with the whiskey took a very large swig from the bottle handed it to the first man and said "watch this". He then ran to the edge and jumped off. Running to the edge himself the first man looked over the edge and saw the guy brush himself off, go back into the bar and up to the roof. The first man was very amazed. "You try now" said the man. "look at me, I am fine see?" The first man took a deep breath, one really big drink from the bottle and ran to the edge and jumped off. Just as he went over the edge the bartender came bursting onto the roof, looked at the man and then over the edge. He shook his head and said. "You know, you can be a real @$$ when you're drunk Superman"!
  18. pokerace

    pokerace Newberg Well-Known Member

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    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
    He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.
    " Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
    The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure . I have this,
    " and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000
    , and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
    The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.
    His old man's a Rolling Stone."
  19. jayleno

    jayleno Western PDX Member

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    Scene: Dingy waterfront bar, mid 1700s

    Pirate walks into the bar, complete with eye patch, peg leg, parrot, skull-scarf and beard. However, he's also got a ship's wheel in half-scale right at crotch level.

    He walks up to the bar, and demands a bottle of scotch and a glass.

    Barman obliges, and says, "I've seen lots of pirates around these parts, and many looked meaner than you, but many didn't as well."

    "Aye," replies the pirate.

    "And I notice you've all the trappings of a proper pirate," continues the barkeep.

    "Aye," replies the pirate.

    "But I must admit I've never seen a ship's wheel hung at that particular height before."

    "Arrgh, it's driving me nuts."
  20. pokerace

    pokerace Newberg Well-Known Member

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    As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
    The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

    'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'