Limericks Or Quotes You Like!

[MannyGlocks]

I like to have a martini.

Two at the very most.

After three I'm under the table,after four I'm under my host.

Author: Dorothy Parker

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[2506]

There was a man from Bostontown, Mass
Who had testicles made out of brass
He clanged them together
To play, "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his a**

 

[MannyGlocks]

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
"I feel this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong."
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What's right for you – just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.

Author: Shel Silverstein

 

[MannyGlocks]

The Yesees said yes to anything
That anyone suggested.
The Noees said no to everything
Unless it was proven and tested.
So the Yesees all died of much too much
And the Noees all died of fright,
But somehow I think the Thinkforyourselfees
All came out all right.

Author: Shel Silverstein

 

[MannyGlocks]

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as can be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for it's head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first – It wet the bed.

Author: Shel Silverstein

 

[MannyGlocks]

It wasn't women that killed old Bill

Nor liquor that took his breath

But a fly crawled up his azzhole

And tickled poor Bill to death

Author: Unknown (by me anyway)

 

[CLT65]

There once was a man from the sticks
Who liked to compose limericks
But he failed at the sport
For he wrote them too short...

 

[Stomper]

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her dog a done. When she bent over ROVER took over, because he had a.... er, nevermind.

-Joe "Dice" Clay

 

[oremike]

There was a land lady from nod
that thought pregnancy was an act of God,
but it wasn't the almighty that lifted her nighty,
it was Rodger the lodger, by god!

 

[CountryGent]

"C'mon youse guys, time to get real
Illusions we possess about life are surreal
It is what it is
We all have bias
End up in a box, what the hell's the big deal" — Jack Ellison

 

[MannyGlocks]

In Pusan's fair city

Home of the of the bare titty

It was there I first met her sweet Kimchi Malone

Through streets broad and narrow

She pushed a dung barrow

Singing dungballs and honey all fresh from the throne!

Author: Unknown

 

[CoastRange57]

There was a man from Nantuckett..who.....never mind.

It be me and my crew and we have come to scr..said Barnacle Bill the Sailor

 

[Andy54Hawken]

Found carved on a old original powder horn :
I Powder with my bruder shot
will kill de posum on de spot
Jo Calhoun
Andy

 

[No_Regerts]

Way down in the jungle deep, the lion stepped on the signifying monkey's feet.

The monkey said, "muthaphucka, can't you see? You're standing on my god damn feet!"

The lion said, "I ain't heard a word you said." Said, "If you say three more I'll be steppin on yo muthaphuckin' head!"

Now, the monkey lived in the jungle in an old oak tree, bullschittin' a line every day of the week.

Everyday before the sun go down,
That lion would kick his azz all through the jungle town.

But the monkey got wise and started using his wit, started telling "I'm gonna put a stop to this old azz kickin bubblegum."

So he ran up on the lion the very next day
And said, "Oh, Mr. Lion. There's a big, bad muthaphucka coming your way! And he's somebody that you don't know. He just broke aloose from the Ringling Brother's Show!"

Said, "he talked about your people in a hell of a way! He talked about your people til my hair turned gray!

"So Mr. Lion, you know that aint right! So wherever you run up on that elephant, be ready to fight!

The lion jumped up in a hell of a rage
Like a young man smoking some gage.
He ran up on the elephant talking to the swine. He said, "All right, you big, bad muthaphucka, it's gonna be your azz or mine!

The lion jumped up and made a fancy pass, but the elephant side-stepped him and knocked him dead on his azz!

He phucked up his jaw, messed up his face! Broke all four legs and knocked his azz out of place!

They fought all night and all the next day, and somehow the little lion managed to get away.

He drug his azz back to the jungle more dead than alive, Just to run into the monkey and more of his signifying jive.

The little monkey said, "Look here, partner, you don't look so swell! Looks to me like you caught a whole lot of hell."

Said, "Your eyes is red and your azz is blue. I knew in the first place it wasn't schit to you. But I told my wife before you left
'I should have whipped your bubblegum my muthaphuckin' self!'"

"Don't shout! Don't you roar! Or I'll come out this tree and whoop your dog azz some more!"

"And don't look up here with your sucka-paw case, cause I will pizz through the bark of this tree on your muthaphuckin' face!"

The little monkey got happy; started jumping up and down! Then his feet missed the limb, and his azz hit the ground!

Like a ball of lightning and a streak of white heat, that lion was on his azz with all four feet.

Thus, rolls of tears came in the little monkey's eyes, and nothing he could see and nothing he could hear, but he knew that was the end of his bullschittin'' and signifying career....

And SIGNIFYING CAREER!!!!

 

[MannyGlocks]

Anyone who was not a liberal at 20 years of age had no heart, while anyone who was still a liberal at 40 had no head.

Winston Churchill

 

[Diamondback]

"Don't make me do something that *I* will regret and *you* won't live to."
--Robert "The Equalizer" McCall (the original, not the recent wannabe)

 

[Mikej]

People who write on bubblegum house walls
Roll their bubblegum in little balls.
But people who read these words of wit.
Eat those little balls o' bubblegum!

Some outhouse, somewhere.

 

[Andy54Hawken]

I saw this written above a urinal :
What are you looking here for , the joke is in your hands
Andy

 

[pharmseller]

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
"I feel this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong."
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What's right for you – just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.

Author: Shel Silverstein

Another from Shel:

Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes
And he went down, but to my surprise
He come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear
But I busted a chair right across his teeth
And we crashed through the wall and into the street
Kicking and a' gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer




P

 

[nammac]

There was a man from Nantuckett..who.....never mind.

It be me and my crew and we have come to scr..said Barnacle Bill the Sailor

I'll finish it for yer...

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantookit



As for the other version, ahem, this is a family sight...