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Laid to rest....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by forefathersrback, Jan 8, 2015.

  1. forefathersrback

    forefathersrback Central Oregon Well-Known Member

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    In my life the most proudest moments I have ever had are 1. marrying my wife. 2. having 4 children & 6 grandkids. 3. having the honor of being a pallbearer many times in my life, those of family, extended family, and friends. Each time has been an overpowering emotional experience. Each time I carried a loved one to their grave, I would listen to beautiful ceremonies, but yet walk away feeling empty. Then eight years ago I had to lay my father to rest. I was in charge at this point, and I told the funeral home that we { as in family} would be hand burying my father, no exceptions. Period. They looked shocked at my demand, but agreed. I can remember several of my fathers friends there that had the same shocked look. when we started to bury him. My father had one friend whom I will always respect. He approached me and said " Hey your father was a friend of mine, I, am helping too". He did not ask, it was a demand, and which I understood. Kudos to him. So I respectfully handed him my shovel. When I turned, I saw that several of my fathers friends were lining up to partake. What an awesome moment we all shared. To many times we all walk away at the end of their journey, thinking that we did our job. However, that journey is not over till the last bit of dirt has been placed over their grave. Since then, WE as in sons, daughters, grandchildren ~ {aging from 1 - 15.} nieces, nephews. etc.... have buried our own. Each time we have made our request to bury our loved ones, we have been greeted with that same shocked look. I am very proud of my youngest daughter for taking charge on her husbands side of the family, to bury their loved ones, as she has been shown to do. Also, there is another member of NWF, who also mentions taking care of his family members, I will not say his name, because I do not have the permission to do so, nor did I ask him. He had posted on a thread today, which got me thinking about this very thing. To which I say to him.......thanks for reminding me of the important things in life....#36.:) I know at the end of my day, that my family will take care of the business at hand.
     
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  2. Sgt Nambu

    Sgt Nambu Oregon Bronze Supporter Bronze Supporter

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    Interesting, we are no official ceremony, ash scatterers. We have a quiet moment as the remains of our loved ones are spread in some lovely or significant place. For example, my parents loved the dessert and are now a part of it in Southern Idaho. I waited until mom passed so they could be side by side. This is exactly how my wife and I plan to end up.
    Forefather, although our ways are not alike in any way my family spreads our loved ones remains in exactly the same spirit as you bury yours. A time of contemplation, rememberence and respect.
    My old memory doesnt work so well anymore but I can still picture in my mind and heart where my people are. Thanks for the great thread! SRG
     
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  3. forefathersrback

    forefathersrback Central Oregon Well-Known Member

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    SRG, Thank, you. You're right, its about taking it to the end, and which we both can appreciate.
     
  4. BoonDocks36

    BoonDocks36 Oregon, in the boondocks Christian. Conservative. Male.

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    forefathersback, I will make an assumption, that you were refering to me, as I did post, upon this same subject today (not having slept yet, still Thursday, in my mind...)

    Your post was Awesome. It is my humble opinion, that most people in life, just ~Do Not Understand~ much.

    My marriage was short, compared to my Mom & Dad's. My mother, died of Respiratory Arrest, while walking into a surprise 40th Wedding Aniversary. 250 people in the hall waiting for them... Inside, was a WWII, Medal of Honor recipient, It would be better stated, that he was part of the "Go for Broke" Battalion.

    His Wife was part of my Mothers Honor Guard, to take her ~home~...

    That same WWII Medal of Honor recipient, the United States Highest Medal, was one of my Dad's Pall Bearer's ...

    Yes, a short small Japanese BORN in AMERICA. Carried my father's casket, that much Love, did he have for my Father. And no, it did not, could not rest, upon his shoulder... The Man was enormously strong... A Farmer before WWII, and he Returned to that, after the war.

    We Americans. Do not Understand. What it took, to join the Go For Broke Battalion he was examined by the FBI, Inside and out, three generations... He, like this one, writing, was a Second Generation AMERICAN Born.

    Like a good American, he was not a hyphanated American. His ancestory was pure Japanese... But he was a Pure Born American.

    I posted my ~rile~ At a rude post.... Next month, it will be 33 years, since Her Father, and Brother and her Husband buried our Jenny.

    We each cried on each others shoulders... I held my Father, I never thought of him as Father-In-Law... As he cried un-Able to hold back the tears, that He Did Hold Back... While she slowly died in front of us, a bit each day.

    Sixteen of those years... I quit dating, ~to look~ For a wife... What, is it like shopping for a new Deer Rifle? Test it out, not quite the model I wanted?

    Tuesday. I was Chapperoned, at age 64, to a Luncheon, that "she" invited (commanded, Requested)???? My presence at...

    Five Christians, eating Chinese Buffet... We bowed our heads, holding hands, in common... Mine, in Hers... For the very First Time.

    The Next night... She says... I have Not done any dating... Her loss was the ~other kind~ divorced... And I knew her before then, studied Bible with her for years... Prayed for her Prayer requests....

    I said, "thank you for saying that word ~dating~... I do Not want to Date you... If... When... We know, it is right, I want to Court You.

    It is so easy to pick out a Deer Rifle, there are many Fish in the Sea, how about that Four Wheeler, hey....

    America... Was once... A Non Discard Country, got a Problem, fix it... Today, it is a throw away society...

    And that, is Part of the Problem...

    Dearest Lady called me a Gentleman, last Night, after those words.... I said, Thank you. It has been a Long time, since I was identified, as a Gentleman...

    And maybe that, is part of the Problem, of our Country...

    Where have all the Gentlemen, GONE????

    philip,
    Of BoonDocks, where proper dressed gentlemen, wear Carhartts, and Rubber Muck Boots, but tip their hats, to the Ladies....
     
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  5. Just Jim

    Just Jim Well-Known Member

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    Closure when our loved ones die is handled different by everyone. Grief tends to run the process in most cases so it's really good to have someone in charge to run things. Some people need to say goodbye in their own way so they can move on with their lives. Death is part of life.
     
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  6. clearconscience

    clearconscience Vancouver, WA Well-Known Member

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    This is a powerful thread.
    I have missed out on a lot in life. Like what an actual normal family is, and in such I never knew what love was or how to react to it.
    I felt uncomfortable in loving or caring moments even with my own family.

    When I met my wife and we were married I loved her, still do, but still didn't know what love was. It wasn't until we had our daughter that I grew to know what love was, and how it felt to truly love something more than life itself.
    She changed my life. And it a lot of ways taught me what life was about. What love is.

    I'm always envious of others and the relationships they have with loved ones.
    But even as sad as it made me to hear stories like these, it gives me a lot of hope and joy knowing my family will be this loved going forward.

    Thanks for sharing.
     
  7. IronMonster

    IronMonster Washington Opinionated Member Diamond Supporter

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    Powerful stuff. I can say being in my 40's I have not yet had to lay a lot of folks to rest. I dont know if you have ever had to speak on the behalf of the deceased but it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. To reduce someones life, someone you care deeply for but is no longer here, to 15 minutes worth of tear choked words. Its something that no father should have to do for a child.

    Thanks for sharing.
     
  8. CoastRange57

    CoastRange57 Western Oregon Bronze Supporter Bronze Supporter

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    My Dad always told me to stand up and say something good about a person at their funeral. I have done that many times, it never gets easier. Myself and my children dumped him and my Mom in the Nehalem River, per their wishes. It had been some years since they died, and with the boys heading off to basic about 8 years ago, we did it before that.

    Yesterday I had the honor of burying my mother in laws ashes in the cemetery in Brookings. The immediate family was there, some of them do not do these things well or process loss well. I said a few words, and the cemetery people came up to put the urn in the container, I said I had this. Put the urn in the container, my wife put some love rocks in there, we sealed it, placed it in the ground and I started shoveling the dirt in. I asked everyone to drop hand full of dirt in the hole, they did but were uncomfortable doing it. I filled the hole in, compacted it and dressed it up as best I could. I imagine the black tails had the flowers ate before night fall, but that is all and good.

    I have worked in the funeral business before, so I am familiar with it, and my sons work part time in it as well. But it is still something that you sack up and do. You do this for family, and you sack up and say good things about people, and try and make the other people laugh.

    Friend of mine passed away from cancer this last summer. 60 years old, way too young. When we went to the cemetery, and the service was over, I called to his son, come help me with this . I had a cooler full of iced beer in my pickup, we carried it grave side, opened one and put it on his casket, and then a bunch of us stood there, drank beer, cried like babies a couple of times, lied to each other, made fun of of each other, wondered if we could get his elk tags for the season. The we went and had a barbeque at his house.

    We are all going someday. I have been real close 2 times during my major illness in 2011. I was more fearful for my family than myself, I knew I was dying, but felt peaceful. I got to live, and I live everyday like it could be my last. Nothing for granted, love my wife, my kids, my grand kid, my dogs, even people that piss me off now and then.

    I love very fishing trip, even if I get skunked. I love every target shoot, I love cleaning the chicken house out. It an all go away so fast.
     
  9. Just Jim

    Just Jim Well-Known Member

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    Had too many close people die not too long ago including my wife of 40+years. No words can describe what it's like. Tell you what though, if you want to help the living give them a call and just kinda mention how you miss the departed. People don't know how to deal with death nor understand what it feels to think everyone has forgotten the fallen. Remember them.
     
  10. forefathersrback

    forefathersrback Central Oregon Well-Known Member

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    Mr. BoonDocks, your assumption was absolutely correct, I was referring to you. Your post on a previous thread hit me like a ton of brick. I truly understood,& felt the meaning of your post. Your post brought back some very strong memories, that prompted tears, and reflection. Hope all goes well with your new found courtship. BoonDocks, I knew you were a true gentleman when you used the phrase, "I want to court you". It has been many of years since I have heard that word. Best wishes, forefathers. Thanks again for sharing.
     
  11. 44mag2ndamend

    44mag2ndamend Round the ole tree stump, Down by the crick Well-Known Member

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    May this thread be the invite to bring those that need to be together more, closer, and caring.

    It has spoken immensely to me. Well done Father!
     
  12. forefathersrback

    forefathersrback Central Oregon Well-Known Member

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    IronMonster, I myself have had to speak on the behalf of a loved one. I agree, it is the hardest, heartbreaking, moment in ones life.
     
  13. forefathersrback

    forefathersrback Central Oregon Well-Known Member

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    Jim, wise words to the living. Thanks.
     
  14. U201491

    U201491 Well-Known Member

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    We are the old fogies in the family now.
    Just thinking out loud........ Most laying to rest lies with the sons and grand children ....
    Just hope we can leave them some kind of sanity in the world before we go.
    Wars should always be fought by the old, and not the young but it never seems to work that way.
     
  15. CoastRange57

    CoastRange57 Western Oregon Bronze Supporter Bronze Supporter

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    It is also the most humbling and character building thing you will ever do, and your own soul will benefit from it, as well as help relieve the grieving of others.
     
  16. CoastRange57

    CoastRange57 Western Oregon Bronze Supporter Bronze Supporter

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    And is incumbent upon us old fogies to prepare these children and grand children for that inevitable task the best we can. I have told my sons I expect them to do this for our family and your friends. They have laid friends to rest that were KIA. A much more traumatic experience, especially for the ones who were there when it happened. I have shed tears with these young men about this a couple of times. This is not a one time thing, I have a couple of days though out the year, I spend all day and evening with the 2 boys, just for that reason.

    I have explicit written instructions on what needs to be done when I go, plus have had some gun range and drift boat conversations about the same.

     
  17. ZigZagZeke

    ZigZagZeke Eugene Silver Supporter Silver Supporter 2015 Volunteer

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    My dad was 80 when he left us. One day he was up on the roof with a cane pole knocking walnuts out of his trees, and the next day he was in a hospital bed with a failing heart. I scattered his ashes from a canyon edge somewhere above 6000' in the Sierras, overlooking one of his favorite trout streams where we had spent hundreds of hours fly fishing. After all the family stuff, after all the formal clothes and speeches, it was just him and me, and God. It felt right. It was a good ending.

    Later, when my mother passed away I did the same for her. I put her ashes with his. It was a spot they both loved. They went there just to enjoy the view many times. My mother died in December, and the day I scattered her ashes with dad's it was snowing and the sun was just a brighter spot of gray in the sky. I sat down on a rock at the edge of the 1000 foot drop and prayed for the first time in a long time. I felt the hand of God on my shoulder that day for the first time. And the message was clear to get on with my life and to live it to the fullest.

    I returned home that day and made decisions that I'd been putting off for a long time. Long story shortened, I ended up starting a second life, ditching my old soul-eating job, remarrying, and starting a new family. I'm now in my 60's and retired with a 4 year old daughter and a newborn. I've never been happier, nor more at ease with my life. All of the might-have-beens are laid to rest. What's done is done and I take life as it comes at me. When I go my family will be taken care of, and I wish them well on their adventures without me. I hope I'm remembered fondly, but whether I'm remembered or forgotten, I've made my dent in the universe, and I feel good about it.
     
  18. BoonDocks36

    BoonDocks36 Oregon, in the boondocks Christian. Conservative. Male.

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    snipped to point.

    Taku, I am eldest in our Family...

    Upon returning to his Widows home, the first thing I did, was Purpose Driven: I sat in our Dad's Chair.

    Unheard of, when he was alive. I heard no "Gasp", I saw no looks of disapproval...

    It was a point of Reference, and of Completion. Like the Brits do, the King is Dead, Long Live the King. No, I do not view myself as King, rather, as Elder of our Family.

    And as it stands, our line will die out with me... The Germanic Tradition is not kept by my (deceased) Elder Brothers children, in fact some have already passed before him, being members (all...) of Samoan Mafia culture. Indeed, one of his sons is in Somoa, having never returned from their sides tradition of First Born returns to Somoa, for Somoan Tradition... Oh well, that is how it happened.

    I trace our Family line, to a village in Poland, where the Guild in & of the village, was (is?) Book Binding! That is G-G-G-GrandFather....

    My Father's Brother, Born in Leipzig, Germany, was a Book Binder here in the States...

    Having the Old World foundation (he schooled in it, in Germany) his Rebound Books are part of the Library of Congress. As well as both the Universities of Hawaii'i & Colorado.

    His work lives on, when someone opens a book he did bind.

    gotta go,

    philip
     
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  19. BoonDocks36

    BoonDocks36 Oregon, in the boondocks Christian. Conservative. Male.

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    Thank you. Since my Father's passing, I have changed so much.

    Germans are known for being ~hard~ Powerful Peoples... They are not known, but Are also Uber Sensitive and Gentle, if that was passed in the genes.
    My witness of my Father's First tears... Was at my Wife's funeral. The second time, only a welling up... Fighting Germanic Plainly in his face, at asking me how I felt, of pulling the plug, on my mothers (lifeless) body.

    Relief, on his Face, when his Widowed Son said, Dad, for me, she ~is~ Already Passed on. Then Tears, at her Funeral.

    In my life with Dad, (changing tempo with word choice) I saw him Cry, Twice.

    I am told by many, and now by Dearest, that I cry easily.

    My first time reply to a person, saying that, is "I had to go to School, to learn How to Cry" ... Seldom do I need to repeat that... If a person, (especially a male...) does not know how to Read that Look, upon my Face, they are Poor in Knowledges needed by All ManKind.

    I thank you, for developing this thread, I must go now...

    philip
     
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  20. forefathersrback

    forefathersrback Central Oregon Well-Known Member

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    CoastRange57, sounds like you have your affairs in order when that time comes. I myself have really dropped the ball, on my own behalf. My wife wishes to be cremated. I have not decided yet on my wishes. I need to get this decision made so that my family is not pressured to feel like they are making the right one for me.
     
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