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Back in the late forties the Russians were trying hard to catch up to the West, particularly in the field of aeronautical engineering, and specifically in jet fighters, having just seen the USAF F86 in action....

The main aeronautical designers [MADs] got into a huddle, and came up with a really spiffy-looking design, quickly built a flying prototype, and got one of their Hero-pilots [known hereafter as HP] from the recent Great Patriotic War to take it for a test flight.

HPT - Level flight is good, now to go into attacking dive........

Almost instantly, the wings tore off, and he dove straight to earth, making his own grave.

Back to the drawing board, then. Much work was done to strengthen the wing joints on the next flying prototype, and, having gotten themselves another HP, they prepared to watch the test flight...

HP - all is excellent here in level flight - now I try a dive......

The wings came off, and he went straight into the ground.

Hmmmm they all pondered, we are doing something seriously wrong here, but it is hard to get a firm grasp on what it is, exactly....let's try one more test flight, this time with EXTENSIVE strengthening of the wing joint.

The latest HP came back to them in-flight.....

HP - Well, as expected, the aircraft is quite sluggish in level flight, no doubt due to the heavy reinforcement of the joints, but I feel confident that being so heavy now it will dive well. Here I go....................

The wings tore off.

Panic ensued on the ground as they pondered the smoking wreckage. At that moment, there was a quiet 'ahem' from behind the puzzled group, who turned, as one, to see a lowly Jewish sh*thouse cleaner walking over to clear out the airfield latrines. Comrade Aeronautical engineers, he said with his hat in his hands, my name is Levi Lipschitz - a lowly sh*thouse cleaner from Vodzhe, and I have watched this series of awful tragedies over the last few weeks. I have given some thought, as I mop out the latrines, as to how the problem with the wings might be solved. If you forgive my forwardness, you might try out something that has occurred to me. After all, you cannot possibly do anything worse than you have already done, nu?

The MADs agreed to listen - at least, he might just have an idea that might work, who knew?

My idea, he said shyly, is to put a row of small cuts, perforations if you will, along the wing joint of an original design airframe, which, if I'm not mistaken, flew very well in level flight, but when put into a dive, the stress tore off the wings, right?

They agreed, and lacking any better ideas, no matter how hard they calculated and wangled their slide-rules, they got the mechanics to machine a long row of narrow slots in the joint of the one original airframe remaining.

HP the Third was summoned, given his instructions,and took off into the blue skies of Mother Russia the following morning.

HP - level flight - she handles like a bird! What a wonderful airplane! So now, into the dive!!!!!

She went into the dive like a hawk stooping on her prey, zooming down from high altitude to almost touching the ground and then up again, and again and again......

Success!!!!!!!!! The MADs went crazy with delight, and pounded each other on the back in great glee, shaking hands and congratulating themselves and the sh*thouse cleaner on the successful trial flight.

How on earth did you know that was going to work? they questioned him, still amazed. How did YOU, Lipschtiz of Vodzhe, the lowly Jewish sh*thouse cleaner, solve a problem that we, greatly learned men in the science of aeronautical engineering, failed to do? What do YOU know that we didn't?

Well, said Lipschitz, wringing his old hat between his work-worn hands, You see me here, a poor sh*thouse cleaner, not any kind of a maven on airplanes. So, airplanes I don't know, but toilet paper? Now, toilet paper I know. All you did was make the wing joint stronger and stronger, and still the wings tore off. Me, I said make them weaker, even weaker, by making a row of perforations - just like toilet paper. So tell me, how many times have you ever seen toilet paper, as thin as paper can be, tear along the line of perforations?

tac
 
Reminds me of the one where bald Captain Kirk did a facepalm.
jiFfM.jpg

Srsly?
 
A Soviet-era joke, from when I was doing Russian at the Army Language school, courtesy of one of our tutors, a defector in the late seventies.

Q: What do call the Leningrad Symphony Orchestra on their return to the Motherland after a season in the USA?

A: The Leningrad Symphony Quartet.

And a little story...

One evening, at one of those tiresome dinners in the Soviet Centre for Cultural Exchange in London, I got talking to one of the junior attachées who had not been long, either in London, or the Soviet Diplomatic Service. He plainly had much to learn, as this conversation would readily prove.

Me: So tell me, Arkady [not his real name, which was Valentin], how are you settling in to the West in all its profligacy?

Him: It takes some getting used to, especially with Harrod's just around the corner [google Harrod's, if in doubt]. My wife spends much time smearing the storefront windows with her drool.

Me: Well. I'm certain that your version of Socialism has an answer to all this, eh?

Him: Of course, it is called Collective Socialism, something that every good communist is well versed in practicing.

Me: I have to admit that I'm intrigued by the concept of sharing/collectivism, whatever you call it, in YOUR Real Politic world view...so tell me, how it works, in simple terms, of course, for my simple Civil Servant ears [a patent lie, as I was anything but civil, and nobody's servant]. Do you REALLY share everything in common?

Him: Of course, THAT is the whole point - nobody should rightly have any more than anybody else - THAT is not only selfish in the extreme, but counter to the principles of true communism.

Me: So, let me get this straight - if you had two dachas [country cottages], and I had none, you would give me one?

Him: Of course [snort].

Me: And if you had two speedboats, you give me one?

Him: Indeed I would, that, friend tac, is the way of collectivism and true socialistic communism.

Me: And if you had two shirts, you'd give one to me?

Him: Well, no, not in real-world terms, no, I wouldn't do that....

Me: Why ever not? [pretending indignance]

Him: Well, I actually HAVE two shirts......

tac
 
An American and a Russian arrive at the gates of Hell together, where they meet Satan standing by two doors.

Satan: "We have two kinds of hell here: American hell and Russian hell, which one do you choose?".

American: "What's the difference?"

Satan: "In American hell you have to eat one bucket of cow manure every day, while in Russian hell you have to eat two buckets of cow manure every day."

American: "Well, I guess I choose American hell then."

Satan turns to the Russian.

Satan: "What about you?"

Russian: "I've been living my whole life in Russia, might as well go to Russian hell."

And so they are sent to their Hells and meet a week later.

Russian: "How is it going in American hell my friend?"

American: "Not so bad actually, you eat your bucket of manure in the morning and the rest of the day you're free to do what you want. What about you?"

Russian: "Well, you know how things are done in Russia. Some day's there's no manure, next day there's no buckets."
 
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