Death and Family

[DeanfromOregon]

People get funny when they "don't have" and let scarcity drive their lives. I've had a couple experiences where someone died and I saw my family's really crappy sides exposed because they were in desperate financial situations. It took a while but I was able to get past it, and so did they.

Be true to yourself and don't put anyone on the permanent ignore list because of it. In my situation, the problem turned out to be how I dealt with it that made for a toxic wedge between us. Once I was able to dissolve that, everything got better. We still don't regularly vacation together or hang out for fun, but a call every couple weeks is now possible and mutually appreciated.

It's kind of a turn the other cheek kind of thing; I did it and it didn't kill me.

-Dean

 

[Ruger Rich]

My father passed away this week and I am his executor. Sad how this sort of thing brings out the vultures with their disingenuous comments and/or vile accusations. One minute feigning kindness, the next spewing venom when it does not go as they imagined. And this when my dad's body was still above room temperature. Rant off...

Truly sad for you and especially so as I have experienced similar.

 

[pharmseller]

Lost my dad January of 2020.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[gryghin]

Sorry for your loss and having to deal with the added stress caused by family members.

 

[308]

People get funny when they "don't have" and let scarcity drive their lives. I've had a couple experiences where someone died and I saw my family's really crappy sides exposed because they were in desperate financial situations. It took a while but I was able to get past it, and so did they.

Be true to yourself and don't put anyone on the permanent ignore list because of it. In my situation, the problem turned out to be how I dealt with it that made for a toxic wedge between us. Once I was able to dissolve that, everything got better. We still don't regularly vacation together or hang out for fun, but a call every couple weeks is now possible and mutually appreciated.

It's kind of a turn the other cheek kind of thing; I did it and it didn't kill me.

-Dean

I'm pretty good at forgiveness/cancelling the debt, but it can be difficult to communicate with drug addicted people who lose control of their emotions at the slightest breeze and go batchitcrazy because they believe they should have been put in charge of the state. My dad was not stupid...he knew his kids.

 

[tac]

My dad died on November 5th 1971. He left a little collection hand tools, including a metal scriber he'd made himself out of a nail, and two little clamps he also made to hold bits of metal together when he was welding.

He had nothing else to leave.

I was about 3000 miles way in Cyprus when my wife called me with the news, and I got back to England on the next trooper. Somehow his real wife, back over in Ireland, got to hear about it - I really have no idea how that happened, but it did. My mom got a letter asking for all his belongings to be sent back to the country he'd left in 1943, to people I'd never heard about.

My mom and I ignored it.

I miss him every day.

 

[The Heretic]

I'm pretty good at forgiveness/cancelling the debt, but it can be difficult to communicate with drug addicted people who lose control of their emotions at the slightest breeze and go batchitcrazy because they believe they should have been put in charge of the state.

So you have met my ex-wife? And no - it isn't due to drugs - she is on them - but she was that way before the drugs.

 

[308]

So you have met my ex-wife? And no - it isn't due to drugs - she is on them - but she was that way before the drugs.

I had no idea your eXwife was my mom. The vulture showed up at the hospital claiming to be his wife and tried to use her online 'chaplain' card to gain access. She apparently got a chaplain card to help dying folk pass into eternity all the while being the closest thing to a demon my family has ever had the unfortunate experience of have to be abused by. Pretty sick, right? I for one am envious when I see people with a loving and kind mom. Never once in my life have I known that. Rant off...

 

[The Heretic]

I had no idea your eXwife was my mom. The vulture showed up at the hospital claiming to be his wife and tried to use her online 'chaplain' card to gain access. She apparently got a chaplain card to help dying folk pass into eternity all the while being the closest thing to a demon my family has ever had the unfortunate experience of have to be abused by. Pretty sick, right? I for one am envious when I see people with a loving and kind mom. Never once in my life have I known that. Rant off...

Well, she isn't my ex-wife then; my ex-wife may be devious, schizo/etc., but she isn't smart enough to pull off something like that.

Sorry OP for getting off track here - but I am glad my ex won't have a foot to stand on when I die - I won't be surprised if she tries though - or at least verbally complains when does get another penny (more than I already gave her over the years and stopped 10 years ago). We divorced 30 years ago, and all of what I have was earned/acquired since the divorce. I do need to get with a lawyer to setup my estate, to make it more bulletproof though.

 

[DeanfromOregon]

I'm pretty good at forgiveness/cancelling the debt, but it can be difficult to communicate with drug addicted people who lose control of their emotions at the slightest breeze and go batchitcrazy because they believe they should have been put in charge of the state. My dad was not stupid...he knew his kids.

Yeah I know what you mean, I got no patience for the addicted or the stupid.

 

[Member 52301]

Hello,

My sincere condolences go out to you on the death of your Father.

May he rest in peace.

I will say a prayer for you too.

Carry out the wishes of your Father and do what HE wanted you to do.

Take care.

Sincerely,

Cate

 

[pharmseller]

Losing a parent is kind of like becoming a parent, in the sense that you can read about it, you can prepare for it, but you can never understand it until it happens.

It's truly one of those things you cannot fathom until it happens to you.

The sense of loss never goes away. It lessens over time, of course, and it's manageable, but it never goes away.




P

 

[Member 52301]

PS:

My older brother, my older sister and I never had any issues regarding our parents small amount of belongings.

My brother and I did not want much of any item. My sister wanted a lot. We did not care if she wanted most of it. There was no fight about any item.

Each of us were given small and nice items over the years of our lives LONG BEFORE my Mom's cancer discovery, her death and long BEFORE Daddy's illness and death.

They had sold their MD house years prior to that time frame due to my Mom's declining health. Plus deciding how they would do the stairs issue. There were two FULL bathrooms in that brick house - one on the second floor and one in the basement but NONE on the main floor.

My Mom died of ovarian cancer and she was barely 49 years old. She was a health nut and IN MEDICINE too. I was not quite 19 years old at the time.

My Dad died when I was 31.5 or 32.5 years old. I have to stop and think about the year now. He was always in pretty good health and 11 years older than Mommy.

I have had to help friends and family over the years downsize and move. Tons of that stuff. It is hard work.

My brother and I VIEW LIFE and STUFF much differently than my sister does.

That is okay with us that we differ.

The only bad thing is when people ask for ADVICE and continue to not to take your advice, an old lawyer's advice or even FREE advice when they are young, middle aged or older.

My brother refuses to give my sister advice now and says that it is not worth wasting his breath and repeating his words when she does NOT listen, pay attention or follow through.

And she has had problems but my brother and I did NOT go through the same stuff due to us paying attention to our own lives while exercising personal responsibility in ALL areas of our lives.

She got screwed by 2 ex husbands BUT one supposedly NICE (LOL - honest?!) EX family member died (Early this year.) and NONE of the items or hardly any items that he held for her for SAFEKEEPING when she was in hospice care were RETURNED TO HER. (I do not believe that she is full of it either when she tells me what is missing. Including what I gifted her in expensive things over the years.)

I know it, she knows it and so does the step daughter who went from MD to FL when he died in FL - the EX of hers. I kept telling the EX 2nd husband of hers to do the right thing, he kept postponing it, she kept letting it go, he gave excuses and everyone knows what was taken including witnesses AND the assisted living people. Stuff was not returned and/or is MISSING. Including my late Dad's plain gold wedding band that went to my sister and it was SUPPOSED to go to my brother and/or his son.

SHE was dense for not getting it ALL WRITTEN DOWN when it was supposedly held for safekeeping and NO one listened to me and to do something simple. HE SAID that it was going to be written down too.

NO one thought that she would be able to return to her home at first but I PUSHED IT FOR HER with help coming in to help her at the assisted living place. But that is the story of her life. It is NOT my problem - I feel badly about it but IT is what it is as my brother says.

Cate

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:"

 

[RicInOR]

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my father last Halloween.

2 pieces of advice:
1 - take time for yourself in all this, you too need to reflect, grieve, re-charge.
2 - remember you are the decision-maker. Avoid second guesses, or letting people push you in directions you do not want to go.
3 - take time for yourself.

 

[Member 52301]

Losing a parent is kind of like becoming a parent, in the sense that you can read about it, you can prepare for it, but you can never understand it until it happens.

It's truly one of those things you cannot fathom until it happens to you.

The sense of loss never goes away. It lessens over time, of course, and it's manageable, but it never goes away.




P

This is true.

I was never a parent (NO children here.) but when you lose a really GOOD PARENT, 2 good parents, a spouse, a mentor, a best friend... it never just GOES AWAY.

The pain is less but you still MISS THEM and think of all of the good times that you had and you wish that you had more time with them on this earth.

Cate

 

[The Heretic]

This is true.

I was never a parent (NO children here.) but when you lose a really GOOD PARENT, 2 good parents, a spouse, a mentor, a best friend... it never just GOES AWAY.

The pain is less but you still MISS THEM and think of all of the good times that you had and you wish that you had more time with them on this earth.

Cate

It seems like just last year that my mom passed, but it was almost 6 years ago.