Thread: Not enough goofy humor here...

...so let me add some. I've noticed that the tone of many of the posts either start out light and turn serious or start out serious and just get downright dark. Need to break it up and not take ourselves so seriously! Here's a goofy joke that made me smile. Add some more if you have them, I like groaners.

Jack Daniels Fishing Story


I finally got around to going fishing this mornin' - but after a
While, I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good
Bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his
Mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it
In my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten -
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in
Its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp! I released him into the lake
without incident and carried on with my fishing, using the frog as bait.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that d@mn snake with two more frogs in his mouth!

Totally agreed........

So here's one from the old days, when I was growing up

(partially) in Barnstable harbor on Cape Cod.

It is a downeast joke.

"The Gun Dog"

Well,

I am a young man, and I love water fowling.

Problem was, I didn't have a dog.

Being new in the neighborhood, it

Was a little tricky to sort out friends and neighbors,

Let alone dogs.

Nonetheless, a name kept on popping up,

A certain Mr. James Pelham, who bred

The best retrievers on Cape Cod.

Now, they were Irish Water Spaniels,

Which I hadn't even heard of, but that didn't slow me down.

Finally, I met Mr. Pelham,

And arranged for a pup, although it

Was two years hence.

Fast forward.

Accepted the pup,

Although she was a bedlam madam,

But boy howdy was she a born and bred bird dog.

So, first day out.

We launch the sneak boat and park in the reeds.

First flight comes in and, "bam bam" from the

Old Ithica 37 drops one bird but not two.

So Julia (oh yeah, my gundog's name) launches off and proceeds to walk

Across the water to pick up the bird,

Then walks back, again on top of the water.

I took another shot of whiskey and

Considered the relative merits of my sanity

Vs. the calming effects of alcohol.

Well, the morning went like that,

And I drove home in a brown study.

Aha, sez I, finally,

I will invite the local Reverend,

Who is himself a major waterfowler,

To sort out this matter.

So we - the Rev and me and the dog -

Go hunting the next weekend.

Same deal.

Dog walks across water, retrieves birds beautifully, no prob.

So, end of the day, driving home, I ask the Rev

"What do you think of my dog".

He answers

"I hate to say it, but your best choice

Is to put the poor thing out of her misery.

She obviously doesn't know how to swim."


isher

OK. Here is my contribution to the funny...
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

Guess I'll join in.

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!


elsie

]

Ok,


A man's sitting at a bar talking with the bartender when they both look towards the front door.

Coming into the bar is two penguins, one Nun, three horses, a goat, and Ronald McDonald.

Bartender looks at the man and says: "What? Is this some kind of a joke?"




I'll toss some others up later.

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works...........

Dr. Oz proclaimed: “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel right now.

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)



These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday

A fly walks into a tavern and approaches a woman sitting at the bar and say "I sure like that stool you're sitting on..."

Originally Posted by tallshipsgo

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)



These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday

===========================================

Is that a Solothurn (SP)?

Poor photochop but it's passable.

Times were tough in logging country. The mills were idled and the logging dried up. One old logger was shamed because his wife was taking in laundry and ironing for household money. He decided to go back to trapping fur pelts like when he was a kid, and made a trio of skin-stretching boards, a tiny one and a small one and a medium one, while his senile old hunting dog looked on. The logger gave the boards an oil finish and put them outside to dry. For some odd reason the dog wanted to stay outside that night, so the logger let him out.

Well, come morning in front of the right sized boards lay a dead weasel, racoon, and beaver! The old dog was sitting tall and looking proud. The logger was overjoyed at discovering that he had a magic dog. He announced to his wife, "We're gonna be rich, and you won't have to take in laundry no more!" Then to celebrate he threw her ironing board out in the yard.

The damn dog ran away towards town and was never seen again.....................elsullo

I like the Jamal one, too funny

I received something funny today. Read this for a laugh...

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ***?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ***."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,

"Hard to fool them flies, though."

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven".
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the throne room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Oh, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
It chatters constantly at high speeds.
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally,
The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours".

This is GREAT! Some wonderful groaners so far (actually they're all great)! Here's one that put me on the floor the second I saw it. Enjoy!

I was sitting at the kitchen table with my wife and daughter while we watched her cat in heat. I mentioned that it's a good thing that people don't go into heat, and they looked at each other and then at me like I was the dumbest creature on earth. In light of this experience I've revised downward my self estimates of charm, sophistication and sex appeal, and now attribute all the times I've been lucky, only to luck.

Yeah I eat humble pie quite often myself too.

I hope this doesn't make me eat another piece...

John is good for all ocasions.