Thread: Not enough goofy humor here...

A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband, "The doc says I have a problem with my uterus and I won't be able to have sex for two weeks."

The husband replies, "What does your dentist say?"

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, ‘I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican’

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!”

Just answer a simple yes or no. Don't ruin it for everyone else.

no

No. We are the 87%!!!

Fingers

Yes. So obvious I saw it before I even read the caption lol..

She's a Pirate?

Jack...

Yes, she is attractive, young and has no holes or tats on her face that I can see

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 24 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."

While creating wives,



God promised men that good and obedient wives



would be found in all corners of the world.











And then He made the earth round.

My wife has the good part down

Originally Posted by tallshipsgo

...so let me add some. I've noticed that the tone of many of the posts either start out light and turn serious or start out serious and just get downright dark. Need to break it up and not take ourselves so seriously! Here's a goofy joke that made me smile. Add some more if you have them, I like groaners.

Jack Daniels Fishing Story


I finally got around to going fishing this mornin' - but after a
While, I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good
Bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his
Mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it
In my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten -
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in
Its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp! I released him into the lake
without incident and carried on with my fishing, using the frog as bait.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that d@mn snake with two more frogs in his mouth!

This one goes out to the one that has kept me coming back night after night, and to those of you that have filled in the "in between" Thank you Tallshipsgo for starting this post. The best!

pinkhamr

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I re commend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

AB BOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COS TELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..... .........

Jamal rocks

The Love Dress!

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the
couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the
aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained."
It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic andravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best
perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on
the couch, waiting for her husband toarrive. Finally, her husband
came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -
and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

Pinkhammer - Yes + it looks like it is thinking so there are two errors.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he said, "You may come along with us too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I have a
wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all along," the lawyer smiled.

They all got into the car, which was no easy task, even given the size of
the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."