Not enough goofy humor here...

**Starship** · 03-16-2010, 08:11 PM

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**RVTECH** · 03-16-2010, 08:20 PM

The same four guys go deer hunting again and one of the guys complains because he cannot find the clean underwear his wife assured she packed for him. Upon returning home he questioned her about it and she said "check your gun case".....

**JUSTIficatioN** · 03-16-2010, 08:46 PM

what do you call an asian lady with one leg?

Irene

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs thats nailed to the wall?

Art

what did one snowman say to the other?

"do you smell carrots?"

**tallshipsgo** · 03-16-2010, 09:04 PM

Originally Posted by Father of four

Employment experiences.

HEHEHEHEHEHE! Oh man, my gut and my face are killing me from the laughing! Father of Four = my kind of guy! A great gift of groan AND an AK for an avatar.

Hey Stomper, the PI day thing is great - I'm still laughing about that one. You ever see this one? ∏mp

**tallshipsgo** · 03-16-2010, 09:05 PM

Originally Posted by JUSTIficatioN

what do you call an asian lady with one leg?

Irene

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs thats nailed to the wall?

Art

what did one snowman say to the other?

"do you smell carrots?"

What do you call a guy on the front porch with no arms or legs?

Matt

Same guy in the ocean?

Bob

**Stomper** · 03-17-2010, 06:11 AM

Originally Posted by tallshipsgo

HEHEHEHEHEHE! Oh man, my gut and my face are killing me from the laughing! Father of Four = my kind of guy! A great gift of groan AND an AK for an avatar.

Hey Stomper, the PI day thing is great - I'm still laughing about that one. You ever see this one? ∏mp

LOVE the employment jokes!! I'm afraid I haven't seen that "∏mp "... it looks all greek to me!

BTW- What do you call a dude with no arms or legs in a hot tub? Stu!!

**ChicagoGuy** · 03-17-2010, 09:41 AM

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To **** with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it into the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Seattle and get another one?

**Jamie6.5** · 03-17-2010, 10:08 AM

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

**tallshipsgo** · 03-17-2010, 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by Jamie6.5

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

Good one! I hadn't heard that one before!

**Jamie6.5** · 03-17-2010, 10:13 AM

A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,

in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,

mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that

he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,

or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle

bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her

hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

**tallshipsgo** · 03-17-2010, 10:15 AM

A tad raunchy but this one killed me!

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn"t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher"s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don"t have any money at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don"t worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you"ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven"t got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don"t worry, I have a plan, Cheers! "

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I"ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don"t think I can do any more of this. I"m drunk and me knees are killing me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can"t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

**dobeman** · 03-17-2010, 11:24 AM

I'm still relatively new to the forum, but general observation is this forum is very tightly moderated, which squelches 'goofy humor'. i.e., the only way to get away with off topic expression of humor in a thread is you have to post it in a off topic thread and even then, you can't cross certain lines. Not criticizing, just observation based on other forums I am part of. Actually, most forums are so tightly moderated these days, you put a penny between the proverbial mod butt checks and try and remove it, you get copper wire. It what it is. I get good info from this forum - it does serve its purpose. And don't get me wrong, I'm a goofball and love yucking it up - just haven't figured what I can and cannot get away with yet in this forum. Still learning the ropes.

**tallshipsgo** · 03-17-2010, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by dobeman

I'm still relatively new to the forum, but general observation is this forum is very tightly moderated, which squelches 'goofy humor'. i.e., the only way to get away with off topic expression of humor in a thread is you have to post it in a off topic thread and even then, you can't cross certain lines. Not criticizing, just observation based on other forums I am part of. Actually, most forums are so tightly moderated these days, you put a penny between the proverbial mod butt checks and try and remove it, you get copper wire. It what it is. I get good info from this forum - it does serve its purpose. And don't get me wrong, I'm a goofball and love yucking it up - just haven't figured what I can and cannot get away with yet in this forum. Still learning the ropes.

Hey Dobeman,

You’re right, the forum does serve a purpose and the mods for this board take things very seriously but frankly all the "tactical", SHTF, legal/political nonsense just gets on my nerves sometimes. It's all well and good to have those kinds of discussions here (part of the board is dedicated to those types of discussions after all) but in the Off Topics “sitting around the campfire” section why not have something to break up the monotony of name calling I’ve seen happen here? If the mods don’t like it then they’ll kill the thread and that’s fine but I believe that humor is needed to break up the overly serious tone most people here take on things (especially the legal/political section and sometimes in the general firearm section). It’s good to be passionate about something but the rapidity at which many of the threads seem to degenerate is just silly. Levity needs to be injected at some point otherwise the whole thing just disintegrates to name calling (seen it too many times here) and isn’t an enjoyable way to connect with other likeminded people or just generally have fun wasting time on a computer. So if you’ve got a good joke (I generally try and keep it clean but the Irish sausage joke just killed me – and before any of you get too bent about it, most of my progenitors were from the Emerald Isle) then by all means post it! The people that have contributed to this thread obviously have a head for them so share!

A baby seal walks into a club – Riot, that had me on the floor.

Now, let’s steer this back on track with jokes! Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?

**TAT2D** · 03-17-2010, 12:53 PM

A deer, a skunk and a giraffe walk into a bar and climb up (or down) onto their stools, and order up their drinks.

Bartender says, "Hey, wait a minute -- you guys are a bunch of animals. I need to see the money before I pour."

The deer says, "Oh, well, I haven't got a buck!"

They turn to the skunk. Says skunk, "Don't look at me -- I haven't got a scent!"

Says giraffe as he reaches for his wallet, "Well boys, I guess the high balls are on me."

MrB

**Stomper** · 03-17-2010, 05:18 PM

Eve is the first recorded carpenter in the Bible, she made Adam's banana stand.

Noah was the first recorded stock broker, he let all his assets float while everyone elses' were liquidated.

Why did Popeye puch out the Pope? He went to Mt. Olive.

Did you know God does NOT want women making coffee? It's true because the Bible says, "Hebrews".

**elsullo** · 03-17-2010, 06:33 PM

Do not read this if you are easily offended. Moderators feel free to delete if this is offensive.

So, this is an old Irish joke from the recent times of The Troubles when there was terrorism between the Protestants and the Catholics. An old peddler was walking his horse and cart down a country lane, when his poor old horse just dropped dead! The horse must have had a heart attack from an erotic dream, because he died with a huge hard-on.

The old peddler was just aghast at the scene. He said, "Durn, I gotta pull me own cart now! But I canna' leave this spectacle here on the public road---there is a convent somewhere around here!" So he took out his pocket knife, removed the huge thing, and tossed it over the hedge and left the scene.

Alas, that was the back hedge of the convent! Poor Sister Mary-Beth found the huge severed member and screamed, "MOTHER SUPERIOR!! The Protestants have murdered Father McCarthy!!"...............................elsullo

**Doubletap** · 03-17-2010, 07:56 PM

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with
Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.

**Stomper** · 03-17-2010, 08:17 PM

.... and don't lock up your brakes, you'll leave skid marks... wah wah wah....

**tallshipsgo** · 03-19-2010, 04:23 PM

To anyone in the Navy, this will be an old one. I’ve changed it a little based on a joke session I had with a Ukrainian once (an old coworker).

At a consulate in DC a CIA agent happens to walk into a lavatory at the same time a KGB agent is using the facilities.

The CIA agent goes to the urinal, does his business, zips up and starts to leave.

The KGB agent – who hadn’t finished yet - says: “You know, in KGB they teach us to wash our hands after using the urinal…”

The CIA agent looked over his shoulder and says: “Yeah? In the CIA they teach us not to p*ss on our hands.”